Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Coaches Wife, Coaching Life

Season officially started a few weeks ago but last week was the first week of school.  The kids were so terribly last week we barely left the house because I could hardly trust them to function.  Coach wasn't home either and for whatever reason, this season they only have 3 home games and 1 of those is actually a game at Cowboys Stadium (which is cool, but on a Saturday so eats up one of the few days the boys get with him during season).  So I'm ready for them to be back at school and get into our rhythm.

I need a break.  

And I always feel so guilty saying that because I'm fortunate to be home with them right now and it's such a limited amount of time I will be.  It's starting to approach that time where me staying home is not going to work any more and finding a job will be a necessity.  We need the money.  The surgery and the leak in the floor, the resulting flooring repair, all the medical bills, it's killed our savings.  I feel like we are drowning in "we will pay ourselves back" IOU's.  

Business is booming but even working out of the bedroom (so cramped), I am just now turning a profit after having to return the crappy serger and buying my big bernina one.  That left a giant hit in my sewing savings that I am just now on top of following paying for our wonderful NOLA trip and putting Lloyd in Ice Skating this fall (he's been begging for hockey lessons, especially after seeing Inside Out).  All of our extra things come from sewing.  I have had to turn down breakfasts with friends because I can't handle bringing my own food to eat while they talk.  I feel such shame.  

I keep getting so mad about teachers salaries.  Even with Coach working all summer, even with 5 weeks off (3 months is a LIE), he still makes less than minimum wage.  To have such an important job to so many thousands of kids he will see walk through his classroom, to be paid such  a pittance makes me so frustrated the longer we are married.  What profession is so thankless? No raises, no bonuses for a job well done.  No incentives to do better.  If your kids score off the charts, what do they do: not reward you, they take your good classes away and give you remedial classes. What business model would support action like that?  80+ hour work weeks with nothing but complaints and piles of bills to await you at home.

We are blessed, we are.  And the only reason I'm at home still is because we live so frugally, pay cash, and because my mom provided for the kids so amazingly when she died.  We are lucky.  But I really want more.  I want to not worry about finances. I would like a pedicure. I would like to be able to take vacations with my friends. I would like to go visit my sister and her family only 3 hours away (guilty guilty).  I would like to help people I cant afford to help right now because I feel like every dollar that doesn't go towards groceries needs to go back into the bank.  

I hate this.  This season of our life is so hard.  I go through months were I'm basically in denial over our state of finance and try my best to just provide.  I repeatedly do the math on daycare and going back to work and try to reassure myself that we wouldn't be bringing in anything extra. Plus I would still be responsibly for making all the food for the boys still and I would be so drained.  

Lloyd goes to Kindergarten next year and that terrifies me after seeing so many of my allergy momma's struggle with teachers who just do.not.get.it.  See this epipen? If I can't trust you to respect it, to prevent having to use it, then how can I trust you to foster my child's knowledge in a safe environment?  How?  I don't think I have it in me to home school.  But the closer we get the more I fear we need to look into it.  My mom should have home schooled me multiple times and my education suffered for the poor social and educational situations I was put in.  I will not do that to my boys. Will not, I refuse.  

So now I approach completing my PhD as well.  So much to think about.  So much tumbling around my head.  As I sit here delaying feeding my kids breakfast with grapes, to even type this out.  It's been such a rough few years.  I'm so tired.  I would like a life where we can be in a home that fits our needs, in jobs that pay for the life we want, that my husband who works so hard was paid what he deserves and not stuck coaching a sport for 10 weeks where he is miserable.  Where he can go to grad school.  Where he could one day coach college soccer like he dreams of.  We want want want.  I just need to feel some peace.  I'm over this stress.  

I'll go make vegan, gluten free, corn free, muffins now.  With blueberries.  Because at least I have mastered that.  

Uhg.  If you made it through that, sorry.  I'll post cute stuff later I've been up to in the shop.  It is adorable.
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