Friday, June 28, 2013

The Burden

This post has been waiting for a long time.  Feels like forever.  Almost 3 months.  Because I'm finally in my second trimester, our baby is safer, and this (our final pregnancy) seems to be moving along as we always hoped every pregnancy would.  

To say keeping my mood positive has been a challenge is definitely an understatement.  For 3 months, every day, I run to the bathroom waiting for blood (which has happened and sent me into hysterics).  I've been sick, so sick, but unwilling to take the zofran because feeling sick is my only hope this baby is going to be ok--going to survive.  Unlike all the others. Because for repeat offenders, a heartbeat at 6 weeks does not drop your miscarriage rate to 5% like all other people--it still hovers somewhere around 25% until 14 weeks.  So even though the gluten free diet has seemed to be the single link to all our losses, my strict adherence doesn't reduce our chances.  So every day I feel terrified.  Moments, seconds of security, follow only directly after my weekly OB appointments.  Then my fears steadily escalate until the next appointment.

Somewhere around 10 weeks I found the heartbeat on my Doppler and was able to make it two agonizing weeks between appointments--but my fears never have really diminished.  I have so much guilt.  I wish I could be overjoyed for this baby like he deserves.  I remember, a similar feeling with Lloyd and it took feeling him move steadily inside of me to assuage my fears.  I should have that luxury soon.  Then maybe I can begin to day dream about this child's birth and holding them within my arms, safe and alive.  And maybe the nightmares that wrack my soul waking me in tears will end.  Horrible debilitating dreams that do nothing to assuage my mind.

No one can comprehend the fear a mother lives with after losing so many children.  There is a reason this is our last pregnancy.  I cannot endure this mental warfare again.  If my wonderful husband had not wanted, so endearingly and heart-breakingly, to have another biological child I would not have consented.  Even then, only under the agreement of one more.  No one wants to talk about infant loss much less the mental struggle you'll endure with another pregnancy, no matter how much you prayed for it.  

I'm hoping to post the big brother photos of Lloyd more publicly (read: Facebook) once we know the sex (Coach adamantly wants to know and I don't care, as long as I get my baby).  I'll feel safer then.  Although I'm not hiding it any more beneath billowing shirts and avoiding lunch dates.  If I'm going to puke on you, you deserve to know why.  

Our last 1st Trimester appointment was today and, therefor, our last unscheduled "special" ultrasound.  We will have our regularly scheduled diagnostic ultrasound at 18 weeks and then visit the paranatologist for a fetal echo around 20, to make sure we've avoided that wonderful genetic hurdle from both Coach and I.  But 14 weeks, still shocked to have made it.  So grateful for this life growing inside me.  Keep praying!

Please Lord,
Keep this baby safe and beating. 
Allow our family to feel complete and have the joy of a new life held within our arms.
Please God, do not take this child from me. Please.
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