Monday, January 7, 2013

Subtle Reminders

from here
I'm doing much better. Day by day.  Slowly but surely.  All that.  Then I spent Saturday in the hospital because I couldn't keep any water (much less food) down for over 24 hours (Friday morning was my last full meal, even now I've only eaten two small home-made blueberry muffins and some squash with dinner last night).  Which of course means we had to divulge that we were only 2 weeks post-surgery, so they had to run pregnancy tests and then because they were still barely positive I had to have a sonogram.  

And P.S. why are all sonography technicians men?  And totally socially awkward ones at that? I mean crap.  I realize in a hospital they're doing a lot of gallbladder sonos, but sheesh.

Which was physically painful as he had to do a transvaginal and was pushing pretty hard against my inner lady parts (it's been years since I've had a transvaginal, don't think it was normal or I'm just sore still).  And they did find some tissue that still hasn't made it out, so I had to call today and leave a message and probably fax the reports over.  Which hopefully won't prompt much more than a blood test later this week to make sure my hcg is at zero. But who knows.

Recovering.  Even the physical isn't over.

Then it's like the emotional part is slammed in my face again.  I get on my google reader after finally finishing that grant which had been causing me so much anxiety the last few weeks (don't even go there, not worth the little money I made. It's been an awful process. a learning on, but awful), and blam.  My heart starts leaping in my chest and I just feel..... it all at the surface, all over again.  Because I love Cup of Jo, and she's so fun to read, and now they're due with their second baby the day before we were due with ours.  We were having a July 4th baby.  Our Christmas card had the adorable "big brother" photo (and holy hell was it adorable).  We were supposed to be ... whatever.  We're not. 

Pregnant people are like a physical stab to my soul right now.  No one wants to hear about that part.  How after losing your child you want everyone to suddenly not be pregnant so you don't have to see anyone else have what you don't any more.  Maybe also because we're Catholic, everyone has tons of kids... and we're all the same age.  But we have one.  It's just startlingly obvious during the time when everyone's kids are home from school and it's not just the young ones toddling about, And since they all have so many more than us, we're the ones traveling to them.  Which has never bothered me before, because it really is easier and Lloyd loves playing with the variety of toys, but suddenly it's just another reminder of what we won't have this summer.  How vacant our house is. How large it seems with just the three of us.  

I want these children in my life so much.  I'll just keep praying that in a few months they'll come.  And this time, maybe, they'll live.
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