Thursday, January 17, 2013

Putting Forth Hope

I feel like I always debate writing another "down" post.  But I spent last weekend worrying about a really good friend who was going through an ectopic miscarriage and had to have surgery.  I'd like to think that all this pain is of use in situations like that, that my vocalness (is that a word) about our lost babies allows people to talk about theirs.  If my pain can be at least of some use (for background: our most recent lossmy struggle, and where we are).  Then at lunch with friends as I'm talking about that they say they didn't know how to just ignore it or if I wanted to talk.  I have to talk about them.  They're my children.  That they weren't in my arms doesn't make them less real to me.  I will never forget.  I mean, it's been almost a full month now.  I'm just ready to move forward (not move-on, you never move-on) in some ways, but it many ways I never will "move-on" because I have these 4 children no one knew.  And no, the wanting to move forward, that doesn't make me a bad person I think.  Mostly because moving forward is not forgetting.  It's just a lack of lingering... mostly.

Like everyone I guess I struggle with what to share on here and what not to.  With my pregnancy with Lloyd (magic number 3) I decided to share pretty much as soon as we heard his heartbeat.  With this last one I held back because I just wasn't sure.  I think I knew something wasn't right from the beginning (Coach says I'm just always pessimistic, but it was suddenly around 9/10 weeks too different from my pregnancy from Lloyd and it made me nervous from the time it started to change).  I've shared all but one of my grief-stricken miscarriage journeys here, and mostly because I wasn't sure it was even a very early miscarriage until much later.  So that's been 3 times I've divulged the scary inner workings of my mind during such a horrible situation and each time it makes me feel better and reassured.  Then the blog explodes with page views.  Which always kinda freaks me out.

I know most of what I write here goes read solely by close friends and a few family members (maybe even some lurkers), and that's fine.  I write this for myself mostly and to keep everyone far away apprised of our family.  But Chelsea wrote a blog recently documenting the same occurrence with her blog--that those issues we're afraid to write or are gut-wrenching to write, are those that somehow draw people to us across the vastness of the internet.  Perhaps forcing me to realize that what makes people want to read a blog is the items that are hard to read but simultaneously link us with people we may have never met.  

So I guess when the time comes for another internal dilemma maybe I'll hit publish instead of "save to draft" and just put it out there.  Probably also because if we're talking about a 6th pregnancy happening, if I'll write about something as awful as losing a baby maybe I can talk about my overwhelming anxiety (and happiness, it's there even if I'm afraid to feel it every time I get pregnant) and it might make everything a bit less scary.  Ah to be blissfully ignorant without a care in the world.  But then I may not look at my son with such unabashed wonder... so even I wouldn't trade it.  Which surprises me every time.

So the hard stuff, maybe I'll keep it. And perhaps, for the same reason I'm always honest when people ask me if Lloyd is my only child, putting it all out there's might find a person who just needs to know they're not alone. Or need to talk. Or need to go to coffee and just stare at your cup and feel like you don't even remember driving there with this person but you're glad they're there. Or maybe one day I'll be the friend who comes over and lays in bed with them in their sweats and nasty hair and makes them feel like the world might not break them and might actually go on after all (I'm looking at you Tiffany, best friend super hero). Because I sure hope so in that strange way.  No one should go through this without friends that can be there for them.  And not everyone has friends like that in situations like these.

But to, for once lately, not end on a super depressing note: the most viewed page on my blog is this one. Every day at least 15 page views alone. Seriously? Veils? Then closely followed by all my miscarriage posts.  And I love seeing the referring searches to the blog, my favorite recently was: get off my internets.  ?

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