Thursday, October 11, 2012

Again.

We went through something. Again. It is painful and emotional. We never even got to celebrate.  But I wrote most of this blog when it was happening and it helped me feel a bit better.  Why does writing it out comfort me so much? I don't honestly know.

I took a pregnancy test the morning of Friday, the 28th and it looked negative at first despite already being a day late. Lloyd was crying so I couldn't wait at all for it to "marinate". An hour later I had to pee again and looked at it.

Two lines. The second had appeared. Shocked. I could only walk out of the bathroom holding the stick. Caitlin looked at my face and smiled. I, of course, grabbed another test. There was spotting already. But two positive tests. Still shocked. Terrified of the blood.

Kept drinking water to rationalize going to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Blood. No blood. Blood. No cramping. Call the doctor. Wait for a call back. Feed the baby lunch. Nurse says to come in Monday for blood work, go to ER if I soak a pad an hour. Still spotting. Cramps start at dinner. Coach doesn't even know yet. Fake it.

I only got to tell Coach at 10:30 when he came home to grab something after the game and before he has to meet back up at school. He's excited. I'm too nervous about the blood. Go to bed. Baby cries. Fall asleep.

Wake up in excruciating pain at 5am. Husband fell asleep with baby. Go lay with them crying and stroking his soft, sweet baby hair. Cuddle my boys so tight. Tears. So many tears. SO much pain. Drift back to sleep with Coach holding me.

There was so much blood. What do I do? I lost a sweet baby before I could even smile. Before I could even feel hopeful. Pregnancy is terrifying, there is too much chance of loss. But the babies... They are so beautiful.  I was hurting so much those first few days. I didn't know what to do. This is so awful. Again. 4 pregnancies. 1 baby. The math is not fair. Not right. Not ok. My heart broke again. My sweet boys are so precious. But I'm broken even more after this and so afraid and so hopeful for a next time.

Blood work the next week held my HCG at zero both times, it was so early that waiting 3 days and it was already gone. I had a chemical pregnancy, i.e. an exceptionally early miscarriage.  Thanks to science and the accuracy of pregnancy tests these days, you can tell you're pregnant on the day of a missed period.  So you can know you lost a baby too, explaining the weirdest "period" you've ever had.  It doesn't take away the hurt or the fact that I still managed to turn 3 tests positive during that weekend praying that the baby would stay, or that I still had to mourn the loss of another beautiful life that could have joined our family.  But we'll try again.  And again until they're here, safe in our arms.  Sweet angel, we long for you.  

I just simultaneously cannot go through it again but feel like our family isn't complete. I want to feel another little life move within me, hold them in my arms, nurse them through the night, watch them grow and develop, and more than anything I want to see Lloyd as the wonderful big brother I know he will be.  Life is so hard.  Will it ever be easy?
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