Friday, May 4, 2012

Project 52 | Week 18 | Facing Fear

Lloyd is 10 and a half months old.  At twelve months babies are safe to wean themselves.  We've done baby-led weaning and it has definitely worked for us, he is down to 4 dependable feedings a day and he is still steadily gaining weight (his rolls are returning now that he's caught back up after being sick last month). He's a great, independent, healthy eater.  But I am so afraid and dreading weaning.  Like terrified.  I've written about it but not posted it a half dozen times because it seemed silly: 12 months was so far off. Now it's only weeks.  Weeks!  I'll have a one year old!

If you know Lloyd you know when he breastfeeds are predictable: waking up, morning nap time, afternoon nap time, and bedtime.  They say the nap feeds are the first to go. Honestly, I think the night time feeding will be the first for Lloyd because he will let Coach rock him to sleep and he will fall asleep without feeding already (he just wakes up hungry).  The morning feeding is probably the next one, I can substitute some kind of milk, and maybe then he'll actually eat some breakfast (now he kind of just plays with it since he's still full from breastfeeding).  But the naps  He is going to hold onto those feeds forever if I let him.

That is what scares me to death.  No mater what we have tried, he still will only nap with a feeding.  The past few weeks he has started to feed, roll of me, and sleep for about 30-45 minutes right next to me.  But even that is dependent on the feeding and the day.  

I'm not afraid of the weaning as in him getting older. I'm afraid of what weaning could mean for his naps if he isn't allowed to do it on his own time like BLW advocates, if we have to (for some reason) force him to wean.  Like, say, I get pregnant and my milk goes away or it is too painful with the hormones from pregnancy.  What if all of a sudden there's nothing for him and one day he goes from his normal nap, to screaming and wanting the breast, but it is no longer an option.  What then?  Most of what I love about BLW is the child decides (for the most part) when to drop their feeds--ensuring that it's not what is dictated by a book or "feeding schedule", but by what the child's body requires.  

I can't stop thinking about it.  But on the bright side, Coach will be home this summer and will be able to help transition Lloyd from our normal to whatever develops.  That's kind of our plan, to tag team the transition after his birthday when we can both tackle Lloyd's nap dependency together.  Thank God for my wonderful husband.
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