Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Experiencing Loss and Moving On

A lot of what we talk about in my therapy appointments seems to revolve around death, loss, and how it effects people (not just me, how my mother's history affected her as a parent and ditto with my dad, etc.).  Something I know I'm going to struggle with is how to handle this loss and fear of losing people, but not restricting my son so much he picks up on my fears. Children are so perceptive.  I do not want him to live in the fear I've had my whole life.  I want him to feel free to do anything without being cautious, or overly cautious.  It's something I have to be overly conscious of. 

I'm also terrified of losing Coach just like my mother lost my father.  There are nights when he was sick last week that I would wake up and make sure he was breathing. How sick is that?  Will I be able to resist that fear once our son is here? Will I run into his room randomly to make sure he's breathing?  It's part of the reason why I registered for the monitor I did, I hope it will give me peace of mind.  I've been afraid this whole pregnancy that something will happen and this baby too will be taken away.  Fear.  Ugh. I'm so sick of it.

A girl I went to high school with whose blog is full of wonderful photos, crafts, and thoughts just wrote about having the same kind of miscarriage I had back in June.  She lost a baby at 20 weeks last year as well. She and her husband have a beautiful little boy, but I cannot imagine how much she will continue to double check everything she does in future pregnancies.  I know my loss effected me greatly.  It still does.

With all that being said, and now you are hopefully not totally depressed because I assure you I am not sitting in the corner of my closet chewing my hair either, how do you move on?  How do you not carry all these scars with you?  I think you do.  It's just your choice on if you make them effect your decisions.  Coach and I have probably more estate planning, life insurance, and written documents for "in the event of our death" because I've seen what not having those things does.  I am in therapy to help it not cause problems for me mentally (what? hovering over your husband all night watching him breathe isn't condusive to a good relationship? surely you jest) and make me a better wife and parent.  It's a lot more work than I thought it was.  Hence, the awesome therapist I now employ once a week.

Even if her arms giggle when she gets really animated.  I'll forgive her. :)
Post a Comment