Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Furniture Search is ON

I am having a heck of a time finding decent baby furniture that isn't ridiculously priced, but still really well made. I found some I liked on Target.com so that's where I ended up registering for furniture, but now I'm having doubts. Mostly because I know the dresser and changing table drawers won't be solid for long-term little boy use.

Coach and I have visited these places:
For the prices at Lone Star Baby, I could get stuff on Land of Nod or Pottery Barn Kids! Which is way cuter. Plus we want white, non fu-fu-fancy furniture. I want stuff that looks kind of "country" I guess--old school, but not icky old school. All the furniture we saw was way too girly. I want stuff that will last, be good for future kiddo's, and is not too boy or too girl. Who knew it'd be that hard. So I had to start getting creative and googled baby furniture. Thank god I did. I found some stuff that surprised me today though when I started googling online:
  • JcPenny (where I haven't shopped in years and years) has baby furniture. This set in white looks cute. Who knew JcPenny sold baby furniture?
  • Pottery Barn Kids isn't all ridiculously priced after a second look today: this crib and the set is EXACTLY like what I want (and same price as everything everywhere else and made of solid mahogany)
So basically, we might be taking a trip to the Dallas PB Kids to check out that set. I kind of love it now. LeSigh.... There is a huge PB/Williams Sonoma outlet in San Marcos that I went to once and was amazed at the quantity of furniture there and that it was in perfect condition. We're going to Austin in a few weeks and maybe it's worth me doing the pee-pee dance in the car for an extra hour to see if they've got any glidders on sale there too. I love pottery barn... drool. We also should check out Buy Buy Baby's store over in Plano if we go to the PB kids store. Might as well make a day of it. I just hate driving an hour over into Dallas and dealing with the crazy highways. I'll make Coach drive. Or I'll go alone and make Tiffany and Janet maybe meet me for lunch. :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Baby Diary: Week 24

February 18, 2011
Well I peed on myself this week.  For the first time.  And the last two days I've gone to the bathroom so many times the door practically opens when it hears me get up from my chair down the hall.  He must be standing on top of my bladder now.  He feels heavier.  My belly has good heft on it now, not just big-ness.  Even my boss made the "You are looking very pregnant" comment today which made me laugh.  I blame my shirt today:
February 23, 2011
I made the 2nd curtain pannel earlier this week but somehow, even though I measured and ironed them both the same, one is 1.5" longer than the other (which, thankfully is the hem width/length).  So I just have to fold the hem over and sew on top of it. But I still smacked myself on the head. No idea what happened there.  So my list is dwindling (woohooo!!!).  Big thing is cutting the quilt pieces, sewing those borders on, and then purchasing that basting spray so I can finish that sucker--the only big thing on my list.  I decided not to make a 3rd crib sheet because I have no idea how many I'll need, but I think should I need a third they were SO easy and quick I could whip it out during a baby nap should we need it.

The sleeping problem hasn’t gotten better all the time, but it is marginally better some nights. I think it’s related to me getting warm during the night (and during the day too sometimes) and feeling uncomfortable, so having the fan on seems to keep me asleep longer. Also, I try not to drink water after 6—but I’m so freaking thirsty again (just like in the first trimester) that I feel parched if I don’t drink water all evening. There’s no winning.


On a funny note, I was washing my face this morning and as I was rinsing the soap off the dogs came bounding into the bathroom and Georgia jumped on my legs hitting me in that area behind your knees. “Georgia! Don’t tackle mommy when she’s not looking.” To which Coach started laughing so hard and followed it up with a “Lil Bear, don’t tackle mommy when she’s not looking!” and all we could both picture is our son trying to tackle/hug me and then I go down with a 4 year old giggling. We were laughing for a good five minutes. We also briefly considered calling in dead to work today, it was so nice and chilly in our room and we were snuggled under the covers. But alas, we both went to work.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Vinyl Fabric

I'm probably over extending myelf, but these projects don't need to be done for quite a while.  I need to make a cushy, wipeable cushon/seat for (literally) my high chair.  I also want to make something similar to put on top of my old school rocking horse (still yet to be painted, although it's primed and ready to go).  I ordered these beyond cute fabrics back in late December on sale from a fabric vender on Etsy and they arrived.  They're so stinking fun!




I love the top one! That has a destiny on the high chair.  The middle one I bought because I coudln't help myself.  haha.  Here's hoping I can follow through on my high hopes!

Moving Forward (With Some Help)

I love people magazine.  I cannot afford/rationalize a subscription so I get on the website when I have a free moment. I especially like the Babies tab and all the cute photos.  But Elisabeth Rohm wrote a baby blog on there recently about how she lost her mom when her daughter was 2 and how it effects her life as a mother.  I really liked it. 

I've been really struggling the last few weeks with missing my mom.  Today she's been gone 2 months.  I think between my grief, my stress at work from hating my job, and just generally feeling a bit lost right now--I'm not handling everything very well.  Which keeps me up a bit at night. I cry when I go to bed a lot.  Coach is great but he's too busy right now to really listen and as much as love him he doesn't know what to do.  He tries to lighten it up too much when he finally does have time to listen, and it's not really listening. I'm really struggling right now.  I feel so lost.  I wish more than anything that I had my mom's guidance right now.  Coach just isn't home enough and I think I scared him a little last night because it was the first time he had really paid attention to what I was saying.  That I'm really hurting, that it's not just grief.  There is so much more than that.  Plus, he's only lost his grandfather.  Losing a parent is a lot different and I don't blame him for not understanding--but I do need him to comprehend that I need someone who has the tools to help me.  This isn't a financial decision that will solve itself if we talk it through together, if he supports me in a big work decision, or something like that it will be better. It's so much more than that.  I just had to tell him that I know he's here, that yes we will do this together, but I need someone else to help me even get to the point where he can help me.

In 2007 I had just moved back to Texas from Los Angeles and was having panic attacks daily as a result of some (minor) domestic violence from an ex-boyfriend.  I started my PhD full time at 23 years old.  I took too many classes. I was sick constantly.  I was debilitated by my fear that he would find out where I was and show up at my door.  I was a mess.  Then I realized I didn't like my PhD program.  Everything was so mixed up. I felt so lost.  I started seeing a psychologist after being put on 3 different anti-anxiety and antidepressant drugs that actually almost made me worse, rather than better--they threw me out of constant anxiety attacks but into a full fledged depression.  It took 4 months to find one that didn't make me more depressed.  But we never found one that didn't make me totally numb.  It was like botox for your emotions, but I was in so much turmoil that at least that was some improvement.  What helped me most was talking to someone whose job it was to listen and help me figure out what I actually needed--because what I thought I wanted was not working, not good, and was making me a mess.  What happened after that was a bunch of snowballing bad decisions after I abruptly left therapy, but eventually I pulled myself up--which took another year from the point I left my PhD but at least I figured it out myself. 

Yesterday I finally found a psychologist who is accepting new patients.  I go next week.  I told Coach last night and I think he was a little hurt.  He doesn't understand how lost I feel, how deep this grief has suddenly become. When I try to describe it he just cannot fathom feeling that lost (I think), and he has so much faith in me he knows and says I'll be fine that we (as a couple) can figure it out.  Which isn't any less true. We will figure it out.  But telling me that I'm a strong person that it'll all be ok really isn't helping me right now.  I need guidance.  I need someone who can look at all the stuff that has happened in the last year, how it's affected me, and help me see through how it's effected all of this.  I need someone to help me get through my grief so I can enjoy everything.  I'm afraid that when Lloyd is born that I will fall into a deep postpartum depression if I do not.  I'm terrified of it. I know my mind has that weakness in it. I don't want to lose sight of the beauty in this life because I didn't do what I knew I needed to before he arrived.  I'm not depressed I don't think.  I do think I'm not where I need to be. I do not know what to do.

Usually you set goals when you enter therapy and I've been thinking about that a lot.  What do I want?  I want to be able to miss my mom without feeling my throat catch because I cannot feel her, that I feel totally lost during this pregnancy without her.  I want to be able to enjoy being a mom and have confidence in my ability to do it.  I want to learn to be more patient with Coach, to trust him more.  I want to figure out what makes me happy, what I really want professionally (quit my PhD? total career change? what do I want to do when I do go back to work).  I want to deal with the stress of people's lack of integrity at work better.  I want to handle myself better.  I want to wake up and not feel dread at each day, that I have a bright future along with a beautiful family. 

That sounds like a lot but they are all inter-related these days.  I want to find something that makes me happy.  Not just something that I'm good at.  I don't feel challenged with my work, I want something that makes me feel better about going to work every day.  I think it will make me a better mother, a better wife, and a better person.  I need guidance so badly.  I'm ready to get started.  I owe it to myself.  I owe it to my amazing husband.  I owe it to this awesome life inside me that gives me such joy already.  I love him so much.  I want to be the best person I can be, so I can be the best mom and wife.  I feel like if I find myself in all of this, everything else will be where it needs to be too.  Fingers crossed.

Colleen

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Baby Diary: Week 23

Wow.  All I can say is I'm exhausted.  He keeps me up all night.  I fall asleep until about 1am when I wake up to pee and don't fall back asleep until right before my alarm. Hello cruel world.  So long coma sleep of the first half of this pregnancy!  bastards!  ugh!  And yes, I realize I will learn to live without it and having a newborn will deplete any remaining sleep stores--I KNOW ALL THIS!  But it still sucks and I don't think everyone telling me the exact same thing ("it's just getting you ready for when he's here!") is helping. It's just pissing me off.  And don't tell me it's pregnancy hormones. 

Because when you are pregnant, everyone comments on everything.  You're small, you're big, wow you exploded over night, you look tired, your hair has gotten frizzy, your feet look swollen, your face is swollen, yadda yadda yadda. And god forbid someone ask me how I'm doing and I answer honestly: I'm exhausted.  "Oh it'll only get worse when he's finally here." Or (the favorite) "when are you due?" "first week in June" "wow! just before it gets hot!"  Wow. you are so original.  It's Texas, according to my internal thermometer anything above 75 is warmish now.  I sweat all night.  So no, he won't be here before it gets hot. In what version of the south do you live in where May isn't hot as crap? I'm still going to be sweating like a beached whale, unable to go swimming because I'm afraid someone will scream out "ORCA IN THE WATER!!!", and still waiting for this little guy to just be here already.

this is a beautiful experience. we prayed for this. this is a beautiful experience. 

Also, I'm still horrified by the discovery I made while I went to the bathroom for the 800th time today.  I found 3 little baby lines, 3 little baby stretch marks. NOOOOOO!!!  It.IS.TOO.SOON!!!  I just looked at them, felt them, and all I could think of was how they look just like the seams on the pants I'm wearing.  UGH!!! so I immediately slathered more cocoa butter on my belly (I know, it won't help, but the psychological impact of those 3 little satanic things freaked me out).  

Valentines day was nice, we went to the OB's office and had to spend like 2 hours there because she got called out to deliver a kid.  I got my stuff for the glucose test I do at the next appointment at 28 weeks.  So I have to drink this bottle of orange crush kinda stuff, they take my blood an hour later, and we also have our sonogram to see if the placenta has moved.  Plus it's the first 3rd Trimester appointment. I start going every 2 weeks after that.  So close... yet so far! 4 months left! ah!!  So after all that we had a quiet Valentines day at home. I used our china (why not? otherwise it just sits there) and made roasted asparagus and portabello mushrooms, sweet potato oven fries, and got boudain from central market. It was delish.  And don't worry, that's blood orange italian soda.  :)

aaannnnddddd now I'm hungry again. not really. mostly thirsty. SUPER THIRSTY! I am a camel. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Brown or Blue?

I have my 24 week appointment today and the closer we get to June the more and more I think about what this little man is going to look like.  I want to meet him so badly.  I cannot wait until they put his little pudgy body in my arms and we can see this little miracle that we made.  This little screaming, crying, pooping miracle. 

Will he have his daddy's dark blue eyes or my boring brown ones?  Will he be a ghost person like his Daddy or tan like me?  Will he get our freckles?  Will he get my chin?  Will he be really tall like my father or our height? Will he have long legs like Daddy or a long torso like Mommy?  Will he have Coach's reddish hair (which was blond at birth) or black curls like me? 

I want to know!!! ack!!!  Is he here yet?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Baby Diary: Week 22

This week has been hard for some reason, I guess like everything I have good days and bad days.  Just kind of sad. I think part of it is that this week I've been having problems sleeping.  It could be the baby and the fact that he kicks me non.stop., the incredible heartburn and acid reflux that has started in the last few days, leg cramps I get at night, or that I'm just exhausted.  Or that the last 2 weeks have been so busy with work and I think about my mom a lot.

Work is crazy and I really am debating a change after my maternity leave ends.  We have a few options available to us that are unsure at the moment, but regardless of the bigger things working out I will be searching for a job that is closer to home once Little Bear arrives.  I get 12 weeks maternity leave (although i only have enough time saved to get 9 of those paid, it's complicated) and I think I'll be able to find something suitable during that time.  Right now my drive is 70 miles round trip, 5 days a week. I get calls, emails, texts, and requests all hours of the day and night--interupting dinners, nights out, etc.  Last night/this morning I got a text at 4:30am telling me we had a highway shut down from a rolled gas tanker spill, then a call at 6am to have me send out press releases, website updates, and social media stuff.  Have I mentioned that my job is not in PR?  Ironically, this is the part of my job that I do the most now (I've gotten really good at web editing and press releases) and I enjoy the most.  Maybe I'll look for something in that, but who knows since I don't have a degree in it at all.  Maybe I'll go back into the medical/research field, back to public health, copy editing, grant writing full time, or something else.  I also don't know what to do about my PhD.  My priorities in the last year have really changed--it's just not a life goal any more. 

I want to like my job.  I don't right now and haven't ever liked what I do if I'm really honest.  I'm good at it, but it is boring to me. I need to find something I enjoy if it's going to take me away from our son 8 hours a day. I need better hours.  I need reliability.  I need to cut the drama and stress from my current job.  I need something close to home. 

My 24 week Dr's appointment is next Monday.  Happy Valentine's Day. :)  I feel like this appointment has taken forever to arrive.  There's nothing really scheduled this month, although I think I might have to do a diabetes/glucose test sometime between this appointment and the one at 28 weeks.  YUCK. I scheduled our prenatal classes yesterday (Breastfeeding and Lamaze), they fill up really fast.  Amazing that this is our last appointment of the 2nd trimester.  After the 28 week one we go to every 2 weeks.  It seems surreal! I'm getting anxious to get his room put together but I need to finish all his sewing projects first and those are still only halfway done.  I need to get cracking on his quilt.  Ah well. :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

I Miss My Mommy

I just spent over an hour on the phone with my mom's accountant, who is the trustee of one of her accounts.  My mom has so much stuff all over the place that are luckily managed by 2 really nice people who are taking care of it.  But now, one and a half months after her death, we're hearing from all her investment, tax, and other advisers about transferring things into our names.  It's not a whole lot you know, it's just little things--but all these people just loved my mom so much.  She helped them all in some journey through their life.  It's amazing how one lady could walk into a CPA's office the year after she lost her husband, is dealing with a multitude of financial issues and problems and 15 years later he's telling me she changed his life.  That she was a guiding post through the last 15 years.  That he still has so many life questions he wishes he could talk to her about. 

Can I say that?  Can you?

I think about her all the time.  I've been going through boxes of things from Houston and I think about how her hands touched or made all these things.  The 8 boxes of photo albums of her and our lives.  I look at her pregnant with me and wish she was here to put her healing hands on my stomach and bless this new life.  That she would hold her grandson and put the holy oil on his precious head, baptising him.  That when I wake up in the middle of the night I want to talk to her, which I do, but I wish so badly she would talk back.  That when I was sick and having contractions a few weeks ago all I could do was cry out for her, that despite Coach's love all I wanted was the reassuring words of my mother. 

I miss the smell of her hugs, her beautiful hands, the sounds of her cooking, and her gentle guidance.  I still see her in those last few moments, struggling for breath, but it doesn't haunt me any more.  It just reminds me that she is, in fact, gone.  That she was taken.  That she can't hold my hand anymore, that she's holding my fathers.  That they're both not here to smile down on Lloyd when he's sleeping in his crib, at least not in person. 

I know she protects me, watches me, sees me all day.  But I miss my mom.  I don't want these things, these stupid things.  I want her to hold my hand.  To brush back my hair.  To make me feel small even though I'm grown.  I miss the safety she provided.  I miss how every night, even when I was totally grown and working, if I was home she would tuck me in and we'd talk while laying in bed.  She'd done it all my life, every night, and it was special getting that concentrated time with her before bed.  I slept better.  So I talk to her now, but I miss her kiss. 

I want him to know I'm here for him in the same way.  That every night I'll tuck him in.  When he's 1 or 100.  That he will always be safe.  That I will take care of him.  That he is always my priority.  That I love him beyond words.  He is a new life, a new gift, a new hope through this.  But I still miss her.  It seems so cruel of the divine to take her now when I feel I want her most.  But I cannot be mad. I was mad for so long after my father died, I can't waste time or energy on an emotion that will not change the truth. 

She's gone.

We live on.

I will love her forever. 

I just wish she was here to hold my hand.

Inspiration

The last few days it seems like the internets have been full of cute ideas.  While I'm, well, not motivated to do much still I have loved thinking about these things. :)
  1. The second Venn Diagram print that Cup of Jo posted made me want to Microsoft-word one up for the baby!  Too cute!
  2. This Free Motion Quilting Tutorial over at Prudent Baby made me want a darning foot to add to my brand new walking foot.  Because those swirls are just dreamy for the little boys crib quilt (still unfinished). Also, first time I've heard of basting spray (sheesh I need to read up on quilting before I start, ya think?) and then a great idea of safety pinning bits together to keep it from getting off. Genius!
  3. I need to finish / start the curtain for Lil Bear's room.  I'm going to use curtain clips so I don't even really have to make pockets (although I will for good measure).  The curtain clips are mostly so that when he does get mobile, and he does get his little hands on the curtains, if he pulls hard enough they'll just pop off and not pull the whole rod down on his little body.  Yeah.  Because we all know this child has my genetics and will do exactly that.
Since I mentioned my new walking foot, there's a story with that little sucker too.  So my sister and I went to our local Bernina supplier and I (naively) asked if they had a walking foot for my Bernette 65.  The owner laughed at me when I pointed to the box hanging on the wall.  "You'll be glad your machine doesn't use that one, trust me" then walked off.  The cashier lady smiled and politely told me that those walking feet (for the more expensive models) costed $150!  Holy shit!!  But that she would order me the Bernette version but she didn't know how much it cost, except to say it was "significantly less".  They called and said it was in, my sister picked it up, and calls me laughing.  We were both figuring it'd be like $75 dollars, you know: as in half is significantly less.  Uh no, it was $20, and they were having a sale--she walked out with my $16.44 walking foot and called me hysterical with laughter.  Our elaborate "I'll transfer you the money immediately so your checking account won't die" scenario was suddenly a huge joke.  Hence, now I think I can afford the darning foot since walking feet are the most expensive kind you can purchase for any machine usually.  You can kind of see why in this photo:

Walking foot on the left and standard foot on the right.
This little baby is so freaking active.  He kicks me all day and all night now.  He kicked all through church, all through the superbowl (my sister got to feel him! THAT was awesome), and just all the time.  He is so strong it really does startle me a lot, it's hard to concentrate when you have a kick-boxing tournament of 1 going on in your abdomen.  I wake up some nights in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep for hours. I seriously hope that it is not related to getting further along in this pregnancy and is just some random sleep pattern.  I love my sleep. It is totally amazing that I'm 22 weeks! Holy crap!  Is he here yet? I want to hold him!

Oh and the best superbowl ad this year? Definitely this one!  I still can't quit giggling!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Living Room Walls

I mentioned last week that I had done some painting during our blissful 70deg weather (before we dropped down to -1).  I'm still in love with it, it totally makes the whole area look nice.  Worth the pain in the butt of breaking out the roller and paint.  Although I realy wish Coach would help.  He is a terrible painter though, terrible.  He sticks to yardwork and things involving a power tool.

Here is what that unfinished wall looked like:

And here are all the walls now that they're beautifully painted by yours truly.  The flow of the whole house is great now, I haven't even really even noticed the fact that the cut-ins aren't done on the 2 new walls, they look that amazing. :)


remember those closet doors? Yeah, that's them
these walls are the ones without the cut-ins, you can see if you look closely

so now all our main walls are painted!!!!  I don't count 2 walls in the dining room that are still white.  I hate removing/putting up curtains so I'm always a little slow on painting walls where there are curtains already hung. It is such a pain! One day I will have this whole house painted.... one day!

In case your currious about the paint colors: the TV/Accent wall is Behr Florence Brown 230F-7 in Satin. The main wall photos used Behr Clamshell 260E-2 in Satin

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Bathroom Door Fairwell

So we have two crazy double doors to enter our huge bathroom. They suck. The left one hits my closet door and the right one slams into our laundry baskets. We've been trying to figure out what to do since we moved in, but then we I got ADD and started painting. However, lately I've been watching all the door removal/replacements by Sherry and John at YHL. I got inspired from them (again) to remove those awful doors and hang a curtain in lieu of the awful doors.
bye bye stupid doors

So Coach popped those suckers off, I swung over to Target and got a curtain rod and hung a set of curtains that were too long for a random lone window in our Living.Room.of.Windows. (And I'm not sure I'll even replace the curtains there since I puttied up the hole anyway when I painted, I'll let it be nekkid for a while). It is amazing. Didn't realize how annoying hearing those doors bang into the laundry and the closet door was until we didn't hear it again.
see what I'm talking about on the back side?

Not sure how Donnie and Georgia feel though....

Baby Diary: Week 21

22 weeks.  Wow.  18 more.... which still seems so incredibly long!  I'm ready for him to be here!  Well not really... since we don't have any baby furniture, but you know what I mean.  I've been finishing up our taxes and it looks like we'll get some money back to start our baby-to-do list and order our built-ins.  This has me very very excited.  I finished rolling all the living room walls when the weather was nice last week, so they're all ready ... I'm going to feel so impatient when we finally order them until they are ready.  I'm already mentally planning what will go where, what nic-nacks I'll put in them from other rooms, where I'll move our little bookshelf/TV crap holder, and how nice they'll make the whole living room look.  So completed!! ahhh!!! Irrationally excited!!

The little man is getting super strong and you can see my stomach move when he kicks.  Coach felt him kick a few nights ago, and while more exciting for me than to him, it was still pretty awesome.  It's so weird to watch your abdomen grow practically overnight! 

Anywho... this weather is crazy and I'm exhausted.  boo.