Friday, October 1, 2010

New News is Good News? Or Something

Update on The Rev 10-1-2010

Since my first post we've found out a little more.  She has to go back on the TPN (nutrition she receives through a port) and it's too hard to administer chemotherapy through IV (especially since she's having it every day), so today she had a port put in and her abdomen drained again. She's having chemotherapy every day for 2 weeks, then 1 week off, repeat for 6 weeks (2 rounds)--this will shrink the polyp-like tumors on her peritoneal cavity that are creating all the fluid. Which will then reduce all the pain she is in from the fluid that the tumors produce. Giving her (hopefully) good quality of life for her last few months. We're exploring other options and will meet with doctors from MD Anderson (Which is right next to St Lukes) soon.  Stomach cancer metastasis are the worst there are so she has limited possibilities.  Medically, that's where we are at.

My sister and I just made it to Houston to see her, make some family decisions (both with her and with my Stepdad). The boys are driving down tomorrow morning. She started chemotherapy yesterday. She's exhausted and weak, but we're in her room while she is resting and I'm glad we are here. There's a lot going on but it's still unsure. We know she has about 6 months. Caitlin is moving her wedding up to next month-ish. She won't make it to may.

I'm still kind of in shock, but I'm dealing with so much trying to deal with Caitlin's sadness, both of our constant emotions and crisis management feelings that I don't think it'll hit me for a long time. I'm in crisis management mode, everyone is going to me for help and guidance. I have a few moments here and there to deal with my thoughts but I'm just getting things done. As usual. Plus, if I try to break that wall down there is too much behind it and I need to be strong for myself. I can't make this about what this will do to me, be selfish about it. No one asks for this. I really refuse to spend these last few months crying. It won't help, I need to remember the woman who raised me to be who I am, strong and hopeful and true, her death won't change that. Although I know it will change me forever.

We're going to stop trying to get pregnant. I'd lose the baby even if, by some miracle, I did conceive. Plus, my pumping isn't working right and hasn't been and the solution is hormones, so maybe this will give my body enough to heal itself. My children are going to miss out on a great lady. It kills me. But she'll be watching out for them too. I just have to have faith that this is the right choice. It seems like the only choice, I can't bring a child into this world when I'm hurting so deeply. It isn't fair, to anyone.

Honestly, i don't think I have even grieved for Preston yet and can't even begin to handle this. I'm the caretaker, the problem solver. And Jonathan can't get out of football even for this, which he hates and is so messed up about, but it means I don't even have him like I did last year when she got diagnosed.

I'm in her room now and she looks so small and ... The only word I can think of is defeated but that isn't quite right in the current sense. I don't know.

Thanks for the prayers, I'll probably just keep updating my blog with info. We might start a caringbridge but I duhno yet. Love you,

Colleen
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