Monday, October 4, 2010

Kindness

We left Houston around 3pm yesterday and made good time home.  I was glad to get the whole car ride with just Coach.  We haven't had very much time together since all this has happened, I'm so fucking irritated by football and the whole system he's forced to participate in right now.  I never see him and I need him so badly right now.

Anyway, mom was exhausted Friday and Saturday, but finally had a little energy (I mean very little, but at least more than the rest of our visit) Sunday.  Caitlin and her fiance left around 2.  I got to talk to my mom for the first time all weekend.  I was wanting to talk to her about how she is dealing with all this and hadn't gotten that chance with everyone there and her being so tired.  So even though it probably wasn't 5 minutes I felt much better seeing her talk to me and discuss all this insanity for the first time since we'd arrived.  She said she's not afraid of dying, she's afraid of leaving--she doesn't want to leave us.  It was probably the first time all weekend I couldn't hold the tears back and that just killed me. It feels so selfish to cry right now, it's not me having to go through such a horrible and painful event.  Not me having to say goodbye to everyone I love. 

My stepdad just broke down every night at dinner but you can tell he's holding it together in front of my mom and is the most convincing of all of us.  I feel so awful for him.  He'll be there all alone when she's gone.  I want him to come up and live near us where we can continue to be a family.  It's ironic how when you get the family you've always wanted it gets riped away, with such little warning. 

I feel like a heartless bitch watching everyone around me break down, but like I said before I just can't go down that road now.  She's my mom and she raised me to be tough and strong, and I feel like I need to help this family as much as I can now.  Not that I'm not devastated, not that I'm not so deeply scared and hurt, not that I'm not breaking down, but outwardly I am trying to remember everything good about my Mom--which, as she requested yesterday, is how we will do this. 

I feel like my soul is glazed over.  With my dad everything was so sudden, you were forced headlong into it without a wait.  I honestly do not know which is worse.  Experiencing both.... I want to be with her until the end.  I'm taking as much time off as I need, working remotely (work has been great), and spending weekends with her to make sure I don't regret a moment.  I have enough baby time saved up from before, and it's never a question of using that time now.  She's my mom.  I hate seeing her this way.  This is not how she wants to do this, in so much pain needing so much help.  But I'll be there to make it as painless, filled with love, as I can.  I know we all will.

But my stepdad said it best: This is SO FUCKED UP.
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