Thursday, September 16, 2010

It never goes away

a girl I went to high school with just found out her baby died at 20wks gestation.  I cannot imagine her pain.  I'm so sad for her and her husband.  so crushed for their family.  And I don't even really know her.

and it's funny, I wish my pain could be her strength.  That doesn't even make sense.... I wish that I could give her strength through the knowledge that she will survive, she will struggle, she will be forever changed.  but I know, right now, she doesn't want to hear about anyone else's pain and experience. this is uniquely hers and I don't want to be that person that I hated by telling her I know what she's going through.  Everyone is different.  But I did without thinking.  I've become, literally, the person I wanted to punch in the ovaries after mine. 

the fear will never end for me now, which I kind of knew before but now it's solid.  I'm keeping this pregnancy under lockdown.  friends will know, I'm not going to keep it from people after 14 weeks, but I am not going to post it for all the world to see. I'll probably talk about it here but I'm not sure who reads this besides a few friends anyway.  There are maybe 4 people I want to tell, a few I'm obligated to tell, and other than that I am just so scared I'll lose the baby.  this is the second person I know who has lost a child in a later stage, Tiffany's nephew died similarly.  Sometimes I seriously doubt whether I can survive a pregnancy mentally, 9/10 months of abject terror. I just.... there are no words.

I'm so sorry to their little family. I hope they find their strength in the reminder that when this knocks you to your knees, you're in the perfect place to pray. 
Post a Comment