Thursday, September 16, 2010

Feeling the Pull

I am being pulled in so many different directions right now. Work is so stinking busy I feel, every day, when I leave work like I have so much to do and that I never have enough time--that I've done NOTHING but run around imitating a headless chicken all day. There are whole days where I never.once.sit.down. But I leave anyway, feeling swamped and like nothing is resolved. it's driving me crazy.  I have to-do lists all over the place, then something even bigger comes up (aka FLOODING) and then I'm dealing with that in the midst of trying to plan events, write a grant, etc etc.  I'm so ready for things to calm down. When will they calm down? After the first week of October.  The plus side to all this, the weeks are FLYING by--hello, it's already the middle of September.

I have long lulls of work, months where I'm finding things to do, fixing plans, feeling bored.  I have not had one of those even DAYS in over 2 months.  And I have a list of things I need to do after everything calms down, a whole list of requests for assistance from people that I literally, can.not.even.touch until October 7th.  I'm so ready for my birthday for so many reasons, mostly because hopefully things will calm down by then. The days keep disappearing, one after another.  I hate feeling unacomplished and like all my burners are full.  I'm keeping above water but I've got straws in my nose to make sure it stays that way.  
From Preston, during one of his FEMA deployments they had this on a wall.

I need a vacation. which I can't take because I need to save every hour of my vacation time for when the baby arrives so I can take my full 12 weeks of maternity leave. Because I'm not as lucky as one very good friend and will have to put my baby in daycare at just 3 months old. which breaks my heart so hardcore.  I want to be a stay at home mom more than ANYTHING. But it's just not possible. I hate it.  

Also school is in full swing and every week I'm frantically doing my work, I feel like I'm skating by. Not achieving my usual goals and doing the kind of work I want.  It's frustrating, but right now it's all I can do to just drive home without falling asleep, getting laundry in the machine the second I get home, make a PB&J, and then passing out after watching TV to calm myself down.

and I'm grinding my teeth so hard they hurt, I have had raging headaches and migraines (alternating between one or the other) for a week, and my jaw is killing me so I'm eating squishy foods.  Which is probably why I'm having interesting poopoo's with the Prenatal Vitamin combo 1-2-punch.  TMI. but seriously, my body is not happy with me.

I need a BREAK.  I could cry.... I'm supposed to also be trying to make a baby in here somewhere. a kiss on the cheek and a goodnight is as romantic as we're getting these days.  Football on his side, regular work for me, and basically who fucking knows if we'll make a baby before, oh I don't know, say CHRISTMAS. Which adds to the teeth grinding.  I want this baby so BAD!  I'd be getting so adorably big by this time if I hadn't lost the precious life in may.  ugh.... I can't think that way. OK I'm stopping this blog post before it circles the drain.  I NEED A BREAK.
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