Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Well Fuck

My mom's cancer is back. She just had a clean scan a month ago.  Now she has tumors on her peritoneal cavity (stomach).  They drained 3L of fluid yesterday and will drain more friday.  She starts chemo PDQ, this time outpatient.  She's in a LOT of pain.  She sounded horrible when she just called me.  I don't think she has much time left from what she said.  The words "just enough to give me quality of life" were mentioned.

I might be posting, I might not.  I feel like I have so much to say and so little.  I was in the middle of a post about car seat safety and now it's so fucking dumb, not dumb but irrelevant now. 

My stepdad is looking up experimental surgery's.  MD Anderson is the best cancer hospital in the world and is right next to where she's had all her treatments; they were wonderful with Preston. I want her to go there, where she can get whatever she needs. 

She talked about coming up here, but how can she when she's in so much pain?  She just had her 1st wedding anniversary.  Through all this she's never been out of the hospital more than 2-3 weeks. 

We're going to lose our mom.  It feels like soon.  How do I fucking deal with that?  We'll be orphans.  She will only be 54.  My dad was 39.  Why so young?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This is Why it is Worth it

Remember this cutie? Yeah. Check out the same little chunk sleeping with his little deer. His dad just emailed me and I literally, out-loud, made the "awwwww" noise. I wanted to slap myself up the side of the head, but seriously how could you not?
say it with me, "awwww"
I have a bunch of thoughts I have jotted down but our big event is Saturday.  I'll try to get to it after this weekend when I can sleep soundly without waking up remembering crap I have to do. Worst.Feeling.Ever.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Drive-Through

I refuse to spell it Drive-Thru.  Eye Roll.  My sister and brother-in-law went through Arbys and had a hard time getting the speaker person to come on.  Then they hear “I’m sorry, can you repeat that for me. I was in the freezer.”

Huh? You were WHERE?

To which my brother-in-law replied with an awesome quote from Ratatouille "One CAN get TOO familiar with vegetables.”

I think my family is hilarious.  I also am so glad that my sister and I got through our 14 year hatred of each other and now she’s my best friend.  With everything going on with our family, our mom, and our own lives I’m always surprised when she calls me and starts venting and it’s the same thing I was just bitching about to Coach (or couldn’t even say out loud without getting that traditional Jewish guilt we’re so good at in our family).  Let me just say that holidays are difficult for us for a lot of reasons and we’re both pulled in a 100 different directions, and the only one we want to proceed with is having a family event where us and our hubby’s are there, and at my house (only 15 minute from their house), because we know that would be fun.  Instead, we have to make sure everyone else is satisfied and the “guilt-level” is manageable.  When can we have our own! Seriously! Coach and I still haven’t decided where we are spending the holidays.  If I had my way, I would relax at home, help Coach’s mom with the big Christmas-Eve thing they do, be low key and fun, start our own traditions, and have Caitlin and Lt (pronounced EL-tee-zey) over for some eggnog and bourbon. 

Then I remember that if I hadn’t lost the baby we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this as I’d be ready to explode over the holidays and wouldn’t be leaving a 40 mile radius of the hospital for any reason.  Except maybe cupcakes

I know Tiffy has issues with holidays and families.  I’m just tired of dealing with it. I just want to stay home. We’re both so tired; doing anything else is just annoying.  Really, it’s just laziness mostly. Anyone else?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mid-Year Resolution

I survived last week. I was supposed to flex Friday off but worked all day, then came in Saturday morning. This week I’ll work all day, every day, like a nut job to finish a project collimating in me being here all day Saturday. Then I go home and have a crap ton of people over because my sister’s turning 22. I feel old…. But it’s something to look forward to. Being positive, I’m trying.
I just want Saturday to be over. I just want a reprieve from work. I just want to breathe without stress. I just want to get pregnant this month. Likelihood any of this will happen is unknown, variables are undetermined. My basal body thermometer made the saddest noise this morning like it was telling me to just give up and go back to bed. Thanks piece of electronic crap, you’re right but I have to go to work.
I’m also trying to train for a 5K. Which is surprisingly kicking my ass. My legs are jello for the first time in I can’t remember when, which hopefully means I will lose a few more inches and my clothes will get comfortable again…. Here’s to wishful thinking. I’m also trying to fundraise for the big d climb (see the link at right), work with the vendor for shirts for the group, and generally get amped up. So far I’m just sleepy. I think I might also need to go back to see a therapist. There’s a lot of crap that’s happened this year and I’m kind of feeling it the last few weeks.
I’ve made a resolution with myself as well to actually put real clothes on when I get home in the evenings, instead of getting straight out of my uniform into sweats/work-out clothes. Hopefully it’ll help me pick my attitude up. Also, I figured it out last week that I really only wear real clothes 1 or maybe 2 days a week, and not even the entire day. Time to break out the jeans and cute t-shirts I own, this has gotten out of hand. Except for tonight when I go home to finish painting the chairs and table I started yesterday (finally lit a fire under my big butt on that one). I’ll post before and after’s on that one later this week. As usual, it took guests coming over next Saturday for me to finally paint the chair I sanded down 2-3 months ago. I still have to refinish my antique chairs…. But I was too lazy to get in the attic and pull them down, there was a limit to my energy apparently. But I did paint the last of the yellow molding in the living room, so now I have no excuse to not finish painting the 2 remaining walls. I am my own worst enemy.
So here’s a summary of my mid-year resolutions (yes I realize I’m 3 months late on the mid-year, but whatever):

  1.  Put real clothes on even when you’re just bumming around the house 
  2. Keep up with your cleaning schedule, it does make you feel better when you keep everything clean and it’s manageable 
  3. Do cut-ins on living room walls not already done, prepare for rolling
  4. Refinish/Repaint 2 remaining kitchen chairs, the 2 antique chairs, and finish rocking horse
  5. Find a therapist and do at least a few “check-up/sanity” sessions
  6. Keep training, lose 5 more pounds
  7. Stand up for whatever you decide to do for the holidays, do NOT feel guilty of whatever makes YOU happy

Monday, September 20, 2010

Control Freak

It’s not that I don’t trust people to do their job.  Or that I think they’re stupid. I just know that I can do it better, probably faster, and with much better results.  I also know how to spell, use a comma,  and speak in a professional tone…. at least on paper. I realize this makes me neurotic and a control freak.  To me, it also means I refuse to accept anything other than the best quality work from anyone—including myself.  It also usually takes me twice as long to fix someone else’s mistakes than to just do it myself.  I know, I am THAT person.  But I cannot stand when stuff gets sent out and it has errors, incorrect statements, or hasn’t been run through a basic spell check.  I don’t think those things are that difficult, why doesn’t everyone else?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dear Preston

I miss you.  I’m supposed to be finishing work but I had to write you.  I still catch myself talking aloud.  I miss your smile, your laugh that somehow still sounded like a little boy.  You’ve been gone so long it seems, so short a life we lead.  Your friendship was the most generous gift you could give.  We all laugh of your memories, your life, and your sincerity.  You still remind me of the life I should lead.  Of what it truly means to be happy, of what I truly need. You gave me the courage to be me, to live my life the way it deserved to be lived. To not tolerate anything less than what I wanted, exactly as I wanted it.  I’ve found it.  I have it.  And you’re gone.  Where’s the peace in that

Where there are no words, I find you.  Your presence is here, even though you didn’t believe in such faith.  I swear I can feel you in every beautiful breath, every simple moment, every evening of serenity I share.  “You could be happy, I hope you are; You made me happier than I'd been by far” – The Snow Patrol

The Finish Line – the Snow Patrol

The earth is warm next to my ear
Insects noise is all that I hear
A magic trick makes the world disappear
The skies are dark, they're dark but they're clear

A distant motorcade and suddenly there's joy
The snow and tickertape blurs all my senses numb
It's like the finish line where everything just ends
The crack of radios seems close enough to touch

Cold water, cleaning my wounds
A side parade, with a single balloon
I'm done with this, I'm counting to ten
Blue as seas, running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I hear my name and I wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

It never goes away

a girl I went to high school with just found out her baby died at 20wks gestation.  I cannot imagine her pain.  I'm so sad for her and her husband.  so crushed for their family.  And I don't even really know her.

and it's funny, I wish my pain could be her strength.  That doesn't even make sense.... I wish that I could give her strength through the knowledge that she will survive, she will struggle, she will be forever changed.  but I know, right now, she doesn't want to hear about anyone else's pain and experience. this is uniquely hers and I don't want to be that person that I hated by telling her I know what she's going through.  Everyone is different.  But I did without thinking.  I've become, literally, the person I wanted to punch in the ovaries after mine. 

the fear will never end for me now, which I kind of knew before but now it's solid.  I'm keeping this pregnancy under lockdown.  friends will know, I'm not going to keep it from people after 14 weeks, but I am not going to post it for all the world to see. I'll probably talk about it here but I'm not sure who reads this besides a few friends anyway.  There are maybe 4 people I want to tell, a few I'm obligated to tell, and other than that I am just so scared I'll lose the baby.  this is the second person I know who has lost a child in a later stage, Tiffany's nephew died similarly.  Sometimes I seriously doubt whether I can survive a pregnancy mentally, 9/10 months of abject terror. I just.... there are no words.

I'm so sorry to their little family. I hope they find their strength in the reminder that when this knocks you to your knees, you're in the perfect place to pray. 

Feeling the Pull

I am being pulled in so many different directions right now. Work is so stinking busy I feel, every day, when I leave work like I have so much to do and that I never have enough time--that I've done NOTHING but run around imitating a headless chicken all day. There are whole days where I never.once.sit.down. But I leave anyway, feeling swamped and like nothing is resolved. it's driving me crazy.  I have to-do lists all over the place, then something even bigger comes up (aka FLOODING) and then I'm dealing with that in the midst of trying to plan events, write a grant, etc etc.  I'm so ready for things to calm down. When will they calm down? After the first week of October.  The plus side to all this, the weeks are FLYING by--hello, it's already the middle of September.

I have long lulls of work, months where I'm finding things to do, fixing plans, feeling bored.  I have not had one of those even DAYS in over 2 months.  And I have a list of things I need to do after everything calms down, a whole list of requests for assistance from people that I literally, can.not.even.touch until October 7th.  I'm so ready for my birthday for so many reasons, mostly because hopefully things will calm down by then. The days keep disappearing, one after another.  I hate feeling unacomplished and like all my burners are full.  I'm keeping above water but I've got straws in my nose to make sure it stays that way.  
From Preston, during one of his FEMA deployments they had this on a wall.

I need a vacation. which I can't take because I need to save every hour of my vacation time for when the baby arrives so I can take my full 12 weeks of maternity leave. Because I'm not as lucky as one very good friend and will have to put my baby in daycare at just 3 months old. which breaks my heart so hardcore.  I want to be a stay at home mom more than ANYTHING. But it's just not possible. I hate it.  

Also school is in full swing and every week I'm frantically doing my work, I feel like I'm skating by. Not achieving my usual goals and doing the kind of work I want.  It's frustrating, but right now it's all I can do to just drive home without falling asleep, getting laundry in the machine the second I get home, make a PB&J, and then passing out after watching TV to calm myself down.

and I'm grinding my teeth so hard they hurt, I have had raging headaches and migraines (alternating between one or the other) for a week, and my jaw is killing me so I'm eating squishy foods.  Which is probably why I'm having interesting poopoo's with the Prenatal Vitamin combo 1-2-punch.  TMI. but seriously, my body is not happy with me.

I need a BREAK.  I could cry.... I'm supposed to also be trying to make a baby in here somewhere. a kiss on the cheek and a goodnight is as romantic as we're getting these days.  Football on his side, regular work for me, and basically who fucking knows if we'll make a baby before, oh I don't know, say CHRISTMAS. Which adds to the teeth grinding.  I want this baby so BAD!  I'd be getting so adorably big by this time if I hadn't lost the precious life in may.  ugh.... I can't think that way. OK I'm stopping this blog post before it circles the drain.  I NEED A BREAK.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Big D Climb 2011

Please donate HERE
I've registered again to participate in the Big D Climb for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  It's 52 flights of brutality to raise money for these cancers.  Preston's passing almost a month ago from Lymphoma is another reason why this is so important.  He was the best friend everyone should have.  And in his memory I will do this climb every year.  Please donate to help those suffering with these awful diseases.  Be generous. Be kind. Be willing to make a difference.

Thank you, and a big heavenly high-5 from the guy who greeted us last year at the top of the building.  The man who will forever make my heart shine. I miss you PH.  We'll love you always.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I am so exhausted

this week has been crazy, on top of crazy, boiled in crazy.  I love being busy but this is too much.

and I going to Austin saturday for Preston's memorial service with Tiffany, staying at the grandparents, coming back sunday.  So no rest for the weary.  Le Sigh. 

However I got a cute idea to document and remember for the future from this photo:
Via BlueBirdVintage, by ethanollie
Wouldn't it be cute to make a board where you put a nice simple fabric, padded backed "picture" display of the outfit your baby left the hospital in, or was baptized in, etc.  I just think that would be adorable to hang in their room.  First day of school, or something dorky like that.  Stupid? I duhno.... I think it's cute.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Thanks Hurricane Hermine

This is a photo from one of our employee's.  Of one of our bridges. Normally that water is 30 feet below the bridge, approximately.
Did I mention that we are approximately 8 hours from where the hurricane hit? yeah, nice.  Here's an article about horrible flooding north of where we live. Friends have water in their houses (who don't live anywhere near rivers, streams, or water)., and our house got VERY close.  Coach went home a lunch and we swore we would have a living room full but there wasn't. miracle!!

busy day for me!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Mobiles? Maybe Make Your Own?

I love this whimsical mobiles that they made over at Young House Love, how simple and etherial are these beauties?  Plus you know how I feel about DIY....

hm..... I love them.  I'm kind of thinking I could make a small forest of them in a corner...... even I just want to stare at them for hours, and I'm not even a baby.... or maybe I'm just on the same level.  Shut up Coach! Stay in the peanut gallery.  


anyone else made a mobile or seen anything cute out there? I found this blog from my awesome friend Kristy, so I'm obviously liking the blogs and ideas she sent me.

Friday, September 3, 2010

St. Anne

The St. Anne's Medal from my Mother-in-Law
I love it. I have it hanging around my neck right now.  It is super sweet. Hopefully keeping the prayers up will yield results. ;)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

What a Productive Evening

So I went to Central Market after work, always a dangerous decision.  I picked up some live basil and some beautiful tomato's.  I actually went to purchase polenta, which I love and I was out of.  I have the amazing ability to kill any living plant, but I once kept a live basil plant I got from CM alive for 6 months by keeping it in a glass of water on my window sill (also, it's the same price as that small little "box" of herbs you can buy which is no where near as fresh).  So I wanted it in something cute on my windowsill.  I remembered these little jerks that ended up getting randomly placed next to the dog treat jar in the dog cubby:
which is getting a bit cluttered, by the way:
My first attempt was to put it in my cowboy boot mug. No dice, and broke a bunch of leaves off (which I deal with later).  I split the bulbs up and popped them in the little jars.
Their new pretty jar's on the kitchen sink windowsill (please ignore our disgusting hunter green blinds.  Yes, green. Obviously the previous owners were crack smokers).
So then what to do with my little basil leaves, hello: bruscetta!  I also bought some hatch chiles (if you don't know, educate your dumb self!), so I threw a bit of that into my "dinner" for a bit of roasted awesomeness.  God I love that stuff....
So quick, so easy, and for a football widow like me: perfect for any of the 5 nights a week I eat alone.  However, my awesome toe-nail-radiating heartburn did not approve, so now I'm sucking down rolaids like they're going out of style.  But how can you resist this?
I have class tonight.  Here's hoping I don't burp through the whole damn thing.  But let's be honest, I probably will.

On a similar note, I wore a dress last week to work on friday (I usually dress like a normal, non uniformed, human being on friday's as there is no office staff there usually).  Every time I wear normal clothes I get 800 "wow, you look like a girl!" comments.Yeah no duh dumbass, it's because I AM a girl.  Way to go captain obvious, you should take the detective's exam you're the next Columbo! Anyway, so I go into my friends office and I'm like "seriously? is it that damn hard to believe I am a girl? Wait, other than the burping and the cussing like a sailor, is it really that hard to believe?"

I guess it is.  I'm wearing a dress tomorrow.  I'm kicking the first guy who says "whoa you look like a girl" right in the baby makers, that level of stupid does not need to be reproducing.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

F'in Finally

FINALLY!! Finished beotch! 3 months later, jeeze. what a slacker.  :)

Finished it up yesterday while watching TV.  Gosh what a pain.  It could probably use a 2nd coat, but tough.  Making one of my favorite recipe's, Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic.  You'd think it'd be CRAZY garlic, but roasted like that it gets this incredible sweet flavor.  It's awesome. :)

I just had a brain fart and tried to spell tough as tuff. shit.  Am I really the freak you want teaching your kids college? Scary right?

Coach is stuck waiting for a rain delay, won't be home until midnight tonight and tomorrow.  He's going to be so pooped.  Football + rain delay + new calculus class + middle of the week games = grumpy husband. So what did his awesome wife do? Made a huge thing of Gatorade, made his lunch for tomorrow, included a cute note and surprise, did all the laundry, and made sure when he walks in the door he can just shower and hit the bed.  Ahhhh the life of a Coach's wife.  Welcome to the suck.

One Day I'm Going to be a Professor...

and I will mark papers with these awesome Stamps of Disapproval:
by Heather K Phillips, available on Schooled
I very much like them.  Especially this one.

Speaking of PhD school, I've had to drop a class. I dropped Quantitative Methods because our professor for the class is a dickweed and is teaching "intro to advanced statistics" instead of what he should be teaching: application of advanced statistics.  I've taken too many stats courses to spend an hour and a half (no joke) explaining to 3/4 of the class what an interquartile range is.  This is a high level PhD class, you should already know.  And I'm not learning a new retarded stats program because you have a personal vendetta against SPSS, which is standard for our field.  So I'm down a class. Which puts me back to graduate; there's quite a little riot going on among the higher level PhD students, so we'll see what shakes out. It's been a lot of interesting emails.  Kinda funny almost, except I really did need this class in its intended format.