Tuesday, August 17, 2010

In Memory

Faith, Hope, Love Necklace by SimplyUBoutique

How do you remember someone?  personally, I think it depends on the person you chose to remember.  But I struggled with how to remember the baby when we lost him/her.  With Preston, I have photos but I feel absent when I look at them sometimes.  He was a person full of life, full of movement.  I remember him when I'm outside, when I feel peace in my surroundings; when my life feels calm.  I feel him when I laugh, when I make Coach roll his eyes;  when I dance around the living room to my favorite song.  His smile lives on when I look at my husband and find our love in his eyes.

Grief is something very different for everyone.  I've experienced enough of it to know that it effects us all in different and varied ways that even we cannot predict.  With my father, it crippled me.  My heart broke, and I exited my childhood at a gazelle's pace.  I still remember him in every life choice, every event he's missed, every embrace I wish he was there to give me when the tears won't fall.  With the baby, it was an inner ache, at first a feeling of failure and ineptitude that developed into a desire for life; a grief that brought my marriage closer as we were on our knees.  The loss of our child gave me a gift as well, one that perhaps I missed with my father--the knowledge that control is not mine to have, that life is short and fleeting, and that if you want something grab it.  Not in an hour or a day, but then.  If you think of something or someone, do it and call them and hold them close. 

With Preston, my world seems sleepy.  My heart is both heavy and light as he passes through me; his memory is so strong.  He is the one person I've probably allowed myself to be true with; he helped me free myself and ride freely through my life.  When I was with him I always was reminded of that, always brought myself back to center.  He brought that out in people.  In his death I was reminded of that selflessness he had in his entire existence.  I was reminded that my favorite memories of him were the ones in which he would call and we'd just do something, we'd go ride or we'd go meet strangers, on a moments notice with no planning.  His was the call you could pass on because it was a whim, just something silly--something you might have had an excuse to "miss".  But because it came from him, I never did.  He's the only person I can say for sure that whenever he called, I would drop everything and give him anything he needed -- a place to stay, a ride, help moving, a smile, a beer, and a good listen.  I did all those things for him, and he did thousands more for me.  So when it came to the end I cried.  But I know that our friendship was pure, good, and withstanding--withstanding even this, because I know he's still with us and I'll see him again.  I'm saddened that I wont be able to see him, or get hilarious emails and texts, but I'm also pretty at peace with losing him this way.  He went out under his terms, even if it was too soon.  Maybe I'll break down more later, but right now--really--I love him just as much as always, but no regrets. No bitterness, just peace--which I know is how he wanted it anyway.
I Carry Your Heart In Mine necklace by Designs by Cathy

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