Friday, May 28, 2010

One of the Hardest Things I've Ever Gone Through

Back in April I found out we were pregnant.  To say we were excited was an understatement, to say our family was ecstatic doesn't cover it, and to say that I felt happy will never encompass how good it felt to know we were starting our family.  I had horrible morning sickness, but it was worth it.  I, in fact, still have it even though I aborted the fetus somewhere in the past few weeks and I have to have a D&C soon to avoid infection since I'm not naturally miscarrying.

I have what is called a Blighted Ovum or Anembryonic Gestation. What happens is the gestational sack develops normally but the embryonic part of the pregnancy either stops developing early on or was absent. I felt completely pregnant with increasing hormone levels. I found out last Thursday during our first OB appointment that the sack was the size of about a 7 week pregnancy, and even I saw the ultrasound with absolutely nothing within it. We then waited another week, had another ultrasound, and it was confirmed again.

I guess about 50% of first trimester miscarriages are caused by this phenomena, but I'd never heard of it before. I can tell you that I never once had any symptoms of miscarriage, never cramped, never spotted or bled, or had any sign anything was wrong--even my doctor was surprised. At some point after finding out I had hoped my body would finally recognize that we had lost the baby, but it didn't and the pain of still waking up every day feeling pregnant but knowing I wasn't was too much to bear. I cried. a lot. Coach held me and we are getting through it, trying to just remind ourselves that we'll be able to get pregnant again and that this baby was just not destined for us. But I still feel so empty inside knowing we lost this baby somewhere during the excitement.

I don't know how long it'll be before we try again.  I know it's going to take me a while to heal.  I know I wish no one had found out, but when you're so sick everyone with a brain figured it out quickly.  I'm now feel like I'm dancing on eggshells. I am just trying to mourn, but I think this kind of thing changes you forever.  I loved this baby so much already.  Coach was so excited to be a dad.  It's devastating.  I know 1/4 of all first trimester pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it doesn't make it easier.  And while it seems everyone has had a miscarriage or knows someone close to them who has, at this point I'm tired of hearing all the stories. Just let me grieve. I've been through enough in my life I feel like I deserved just this one thing to be easy.

I'm so tired of always being strong.  But I couldn't do this without Coach, he is the source of all my strength right now. I know he's watching me and mourning in his own way, and while I am worried that he needs to be sad too--he's my faith and my hope and my strength right now.  He's the only person I feel like seeing and the only person I want.  this is already making our marriage stronger.  We've lost so much this week waiting to find out if it's true.  I have no energy to be anything but sad, and he's keeping a normalcy and a love around me, comforting me and holding us together.  He is the reason why I know we'll get through this.  He really is my life and I love him now more than ever, which may be ironic in a way but I don't know how else to move on.  This is so hard.

"Why is this happening?"
"I don't know why. Make you stronger? We could ask but last I heard God was on vacation, Jesus is sick, and St. Peter is busy... though I love you more than before."
Post a Comment