Friday, May 28, 2010

One of the Hardest Things I've Ever Gone Through

Back in April I found out we were pregnant.  To say we were excited was an understatement, to say our family was ecstatic doesn't cover it, and to say that I felt happy will never encompass how good it felt to know we were starting our family.  I had horrible morning sickness, but it was worth it.  I, in fact, still have it even though I aborted the fetus somewhere in the past few weeks and I have to have a D&C soon to avoid infection since I'm not naturally miscarrying.

I have what is called a Blighted Ovum or Anembryonic Gestation. What happens is the gestational sack develops normally but the embryonic part of the pregnancy either stops developing early on or was absent. I felt completely pregnant with increasing hormone levels. I found out last Thursday during our first OB appointment that the sack was the size of about a 7 week pregnancy, and even I saw the ultrasound with absolutely nothing within it. We then waited another week, had another ultrasound, and it was confirmed again.

I guess about 50% of first trimester miscarriages are caused by this phenomena, but I'd never heard of it before. I can tell you that I never once had any symptoms of miscarriage, never cramped, never spotted or bled, or had any sign anything was wrong--even my doctor was surprised. At some point after finding out I had hoped my body would finally recognize that we had lost the baby, but it didn't and the pain of still waking up every day feeling pregnant but knowing I wasn't was too much to bear. I cried. a lot. Coach held me and we are getting through it, trying to just remind ourselves that we'll be able to get pregnant again and that this baby was just not destined for us. But I still feel so empty inside knowing we lost this baby somewhere during the excitement.

I don't know how long it'll be before we try again.  I know it's going to take me a while to heal.  I know I wish no one had found out, but when you're so sick everyone with a brain figured it out quickly.  I'm now feel like I'm dancing on eggshells. I am just trying to mourn, but I think this kind of thing changes you forever.  I loved this baby so much already.  Coach was so excited to be a dad.  It's devastating.  I know 1/4 of all first trimester pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it doesn't make it easier.  And while it seems everyone has had a miscarriage or knows someone close to them who has, at this point I'm tired of hearing all the stories. Just let me grieve. I've been through enough in my life I feel like I deserved just this one thing to be easy.

I'm so tired of always being strong.  But I couldn't do this without Coach, he is the source of all my strength right now. I know he's watching me and mourning in his own way, and while I am worried that he needs to be sad too--he's my faith and my hope and my strength right now.  He's the only person I feel like seeing and the only person I want.  this is already making our marriage stronger.  We've lost so much this week waiting to find out if it's true.  I have no energy to be anything but sad, and he's keeping a normalcy and a love around me, comforting me and holding us together.  He is the reason why I know we'll get through this.  He really is my life and I love him now more than ever, which may be ironic in a way but I don't know how else to move on.  This is so hard.

"Why is this happening?"
"I don't know why. Make you stronger? We could ask but last I heard God was on vacation, Jesus is sick, and St. Peter is busy... though I love you more than before."

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

surprise baby, i love you. :)

I ordered this weeks ago but it just arrived.  I'm excited to give it to him tonight. Unfortunately both football and soccer season's are over, but he'll use the heck out of it.  Gotta prevent skin cancer. Plus it was less than $20! And much nicer than the UGLY camo one he has now and wears everywhere.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I love Coach.  He is a wonderful husband who I have never doubted loves me beyond compare.  We are pretty perfectly matched, as well as two different species can be--don't be mistaken, men and women are not the same.  For instance: has there ever been a man on this earth who can make a bed that does not untuck in 5 seconds? How do they manage to make a bed where the sheets pop-off so freaking quickly. 

One word: they don't tuck anything in!! ugh!!! Fitted sheet is barely on top of the mattress and forget the top sheet. Drives.Me.Nuts.

When I met Coach he was sleeping on a futon (and had been since leaving the house, a grown-ass working adult!), with no sheets to speak of, and a random assortment of the itchiest, most nappy, old-ass, blankets you've ever seen. I slept over maybe twice and was so miserable, cold, uncomfortable, and hovered on the side of that small-ass bed that I vowed to never again until he got a "big boy bed". I then went on 3 back-to-back work trips.  When I returned from D.C. he'd purchased a thermarest king-sized bed, no sheets, same nasty blankets. I promptly went to the store, bought sheets and a comforter.  The days of bitching had just begun.  "this blanket is too hot, I want my blankets back!" bla bla bla fucking bla. Welcome to adulthood bro, big boys sleep with sheets and comforters. 

Coach is STILL FIGHTING THIS TOOTH AND NAIL well over a year later.  He sleeps on top of our bed with a nasty-ass blanket, while I sleep curled up under the covers with our 900ct wedding registry sheets.  It drives me absolutely NUTS.  I've semi given up, except that every time I make the bed I tuck in the sheets extra tight, and put the nastymanblanket in the closet where it belongs.  It reappears after 1 night. 

Seriously dude, resistance is futile! fuck! Love him, and in reality if this is our biggest argument, I think we're pretty good. But it's so ridiculous. Who does this other than my husband? he's a freak. But he's my freak.

Friday, May 14, 2010


are you shitting me? I heard this the other day too.

The most popular baby names for 2009 were Jacob and Isabella. Ok you Twilight freaks (admittedly, I loved the books too but they are just fucking books people), it has gone too fucking far. Your child will forever ask you "where did I get my name" and your answer will be "from a teenager book about vampires, shape shifters, and this girl who was in love with them." Are you kidding me?

I'm seriously worried about the future of our country for so many reasons, but this makes me want to slap anyone who I meet upside the head. ugh. #facepalm

I typed in our baby names into the search database from the SSA and both of them are incredibly rare. I think we'll stick to those you retards. What's next?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Parenting Question

So while I was waiting for my salad and humus at Cafe Express, I had to pee. Probably too much information, but when I went into the bathroom it was like a friggin Chuck-E-Cheese in there.  There were 3 moms, all with a 6-7 year old boy in tow going to the bathroom. It.was.mayhem. Add to that, the fact that I'm in uniform and all the boys get all big-eyed and I just have to piss like a racehorse.  When I gotta go, I gotta GO--get the hell out of my way I'll give you a trading card later.  Besides the point, whatever, moving on,

Here's the question: at what age can you let your son go into the men's room unescorted? Because, seriously, at 6 that kid is freaking me out in the woman's restroom. If Junior can operate all the buttons, faucets, and knobs--my though is they're good to shake it off in privacy. If you're afraid your kid is going to spell his name on the wall, I think maybe that's a parenting issue that you need to buck-up on. Guaranteed I don't have kids yet, but pretty sure that I will have taught (read: trained/spanked/scared-the-shit-outof) my children to be well behaved, and while I might double check the hand-washing at that age, they will be peeing in the boys room come the time.

This mommy ain't going to be wiping your ass through your teenage years. Blamo. 

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Um.... Woopsies!

In looking for birthday gifts for a friend's baby, I found these and seriously laughed out loud. Obviously I went from 1 year old gifts to looking at baby clothes, don't hate. :)

$18 by UhOhMama on Etsy
Probably already posted, but so dang cute. 
$18 by UhOhMama
Coach would kill for this. $15 by White Lace Designs
Might need to make some of these. $15 by burpingBabies
AHHH! I have to have!!! $11 by HaleysHeadBands
Gotta show a little geek love. $10 by HutchMe
$10 from HutchMe
$10 from HutchME. Our kid will need that one.

Monday, May 3, 2010

My Sister's Graduation

My little baby sister is graduating from college Saturday at 3pm. I cannot believe it. I'm so excited to see her walk! Considering during her high school graduation they skipped her name (yes, completely ridiculous)--this is a big day.

Unfortunately nothing has changed with my mother, so they'll be here Friday and leave Saturday after graduation.  My grandparents should also be here for the graduation, so we'll have both guest bedrooms full for the first time in the new house. I vaccummed the crap out of the whole front side of the house, I'll do the main areas and our bedroom on Thursday so the dogs can't track anything else around.  Coach's dad is coming over thursday to install our new chandallers in the dining room and entryway. I got them at Ikea:
The Lerdal Chandelier for $49.99, dining room
The Molnig Chandelier for $39.99, entryway

If you've ever had to replace light fixtures you know how expensive they are, but these are adorable and were a lot cheaper than anything else we've found. So I'm excited to get them hanging and replace the awful brass and glass ones that are there. I'll take photos. :)  Also, Super-Father-in-Law is rewiring our guest rooms off one switch, to be dimmer lights and fan switches (2 switch panels). Gosh it's handy to have an electrician in the family who adores me. :) haha, it's been incredibly helpful.

So all of this will be done before the family arrives and I have to smile through the weekend. I'm so exhausted already just thinking about it. But we got pretty mothers day gifts for our moms that I'm really happy about.
Surrounded by Love, from the Willow Tree Collection by Susan Lordi

Pretty, no? So that's that. I'm just hoping I can get more positive about seeing my mom and step-dad before they arrive. I just feel so angry.