Monday, April 19, 2010

Frustration

myself and Payton, my friend Kristine's baby.

So I had a wonderful weekend. Friday Coach and I went to celebrate my long time friend Brandi's birthday down in Fort Worth, which is always hilarious. Saturday morning I drove down to Austin to have mani-pedi's with my high school friends, then ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant.  We always have so much fun and I'm so reminded of how lucky we are to still all be friends after so many years.  It was nice.  Sunday my sister and her fiance came over and we grilled and caught up. 

So while all that was so fun, Saturday morning I had a major meltdown. Like ugly cry and not-so-minor breakdown essentially.  It started with me taking a pregnancy test that was, obviously, negative.  I guess I need to preface this by saying I never had a period with my IUD (was awesome, not going to lie), and haven't had one since getting it removed either.  7.weeks.ago.!!!! I seriously was hoping by some miracle I'd gotten pregnant right off the bat, but I'm obviously still in suspended animation on the uterus front. Which is so annoying, because who knows if everything is in lockdown or not! I mean cripes!  So my prenatal vitamins give me all the dang symptoms of pregnancy without any of the good things (LIKE A FREAKING BABY). I was so destroyed. I was so hoping we were going to get that test back positive!

It doesn't help that the only thing I've ever wanted to be is a mom, that Coach is so wonderful and can't stop himself from mentioning our future kiddos constantly, and we're so damn excited to be parents.  I feel like there's a huge hole in me just waiting to be filled by this little creature we'll make. I just want to share that with Coach, to be a mommy so badly. It consumes me, it's so sad! So I flipped out. Coach held me and brushed my hair back, and just kept trying to remind me that it'll happen when it's meant to and not on Colleen Time. I just want this baby so badly.

Dear uterus: quit being a little bitch and do what you were created for!

That and my mom was back in the hospital last week without telling my sister or I, for chemo induced severe dehydration diarrhea (sounds fun right?). There is so much drama there that I'll just save it for another post, but I can't believe my mom is still hiding so much from us. It's brain bashing. Oh well.

So basically, good weekend but still frustrated with my body and hopefully I'll get some sign either way.  Seriously, I feel like my lady bits are just in freeze lock or something! cripes! I'll never be so happy to see Aunt Flo! Just something! sheesh! But whatever, woooosahhhhhhhh
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