Saturday, February 6, 2010

Recap: Pre-Event Fiasco's

Bachelorette party

Kristine and my sister originally said they were going to plan a bachelorette party. Well I started to worry when 3 weeks before the wedding I had friends asking me if I'm even having a bachelorette party since they hadn't heard anything. So I call all Kris, nada. 2 weeks before the wedding and they all say they're busy, they forgot, they don't have time, it fell through the cracks, they haven't planned or thought of anything. So on wednesday, I tell everyone we're going to dinner. We went to dinner at Glorias and everyone except for Mariam and Kristy left right after dinner and didn't stay for salsa music and dancing, and we left at midnight.

While Coach's entire family showed up at the house they were at for his, had a Jack Daniels bottle ice sculpture for him, booze, bbq, music, etc. That's what its supposed to be, not me organizing a dinner that could have happened any night of any flippin' week.

I was so upset and I just kept remembering all the bachelorette and birthday and showers and other parties I've organized for people, and how when it comes to my turn they can't be bothered. I'm busy too, but when I say I'm going to do something I do it. Or if I find out someone has shitty friends and their stuff has fallen through the gaps, I organize something. Which is what Tiffany did and why I love her.

Originally she and I were going to go out friday and just bitch, but then it was going to work better to do it Saturday because she lives like an hour away. So we decide on a restaurant and eventually decided to have our hubby's come because they're both home. So Coach and I drive there, and when we arrive she has organized like 3 couple friends of ours to show up for us. I was so touched and I couldn't believe it, and it was such a fun evening--and it wasn't even about the wedding, it was just so nice that everyone was there and that she'd organized it. It meant so much to me and I don't know what I would have done without her to bitch to during the whole process. Especially when she showed up the evening of the wedding and helped me into my dress, it was so wonderful having her there. Awesome friend. :)

Spending the night alone

So as I briefly mentioned (or will mention in future recaps), the week of the wedding I spoke with my mom and found out she had booked a hotel room and wouldn’t be staying at my house as she had told me for weeks up to the wedding. Apparently if you have cancer you can’t be around other people’s pets, your immune system can't handle it. But you also can't make a phonecall to your daughter and tell them that either, so when they're excited you're coming and you'll be at the house to be their mother and find out you wont be--let me tell you how HUGE a letdown that was. Caitlin had already told me that she would be only showing up for the rehearsal stuff, then would show up at about 11 the day-of so we can go get our hair done. But she couldn't spend the night because of school and classes.

Despite my best attempts I am so freaking upset and I am just trying not to start hysterically crying on the phone. My mom then starts saying "how she'll figure something out", she'll call my aunt (who is nice but not a solution) or someone else who might be in town to stay with me. Yeah because that's the kind of company I want the night before my wedding. And all I wanted was my mom and my sister and they both wont be there, I don't want some pitty relative there. Are you kidding me? I just keep repeating my mantra of "it is what it is" over and over until I calm down enough, and I tell her to not do anything (I practically yell at her to not do anything because she's coming up with random relatives who can show up--it's not even the alone part, it's the abandonment by my own blood that is the driving force behind why I'm so upset the entire weekend. It's not that someone is there, it's that I want my family).

And I can't say anything about how hurt I am because she has cancer. Like it's some horrible thing if I'm selfish for this one day. Because if I say it, it makes me a bad person and a bad daughter. How can you say that even though you have cancer, you should still be there and you've broken my heart? you cant, and I know even saying it and typing it is sending a little bit of my soul to hell but I'm sorry. this whole blog is so that I can tell it how I see it, and that's how I still see it.

I hang up with her and I just let loose. I am gasping for air and just dying inside. I feel so fucking alone that it physically hurts. Coach finds me in the study just crumpled and holds me for what seems like hours and I just remember clinging to him for dear life. He is my life and the only thing that got me to stop crying was that he is now my family. Just him. And that when we have a beautiful family of our own, it'll still just be him. And that he'll never abandon me, never.

Of course I talked to Tiffany not long after and she couldn't because it was a thursday and I think it kinda killed her, but she is really the only one with a excuse. Kris said she could come over, but then her daughter was having a bad day and she couldn't--so after the rehersal drama day I got home and just fell back into feeling irritated how everything was not what I wanted it to be and I just felt totally abandoned (again) by the people who should have been there. Pitty party at my house.

Luckily Coach’s cousin Alexis, who is a freshman at Oklahoma University and is a sweet heart and I love her, called me like 5 seconds after I had sat down in the kitchen in my sweat pants (after the rehersal dinner). She called to ask if I wouldn’t mind if she stayed at my house, because her great aunt and uncle were in her room, and she didn’t want to sleep on the couch. She came over and we talked and watched a funny movie, and passed out. Love that girl. A little savior for my mental status.

I know I sound whiny and like a little pitty party but just typing it out is helping me try to still get over how much it still hurts.

Note: I wrote this a month after the wedding and didn't publish it until a lot later.  I'd forgotten some of it but I had to publish it because it kept reminding me how good a friend Tiffany is and just how much Coach put up with that year with everything and my mom.  Marriage rocks.
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