Thursday, February 18, 2010

Baby Fever - Sorry Boys

photo courtesy of baby colours

Coach and I had our house warming last weekend and it was a delight. However, it just seemed to keep enforcing my baby dreams. All of my friends from work have had (including one who was born yesterday) a baby in the past year or so, or will soon this year. It seems like most of the people we hang out with have kids. Coach jokes that when people ask if they mind if they bring their kid along, that if they didn't I wouldn't come. Which might be based in a little truth. :)

But basically, as of this month we've got everything paid off. Our housing situation has finally settled down, there's nothing immediately wrong with the new house that requires our attention--or that we can foresee in the near future--and things are generally good. Now, I really want hardwoods in the main areas (upwards of a $10,000 cost for the kind I want, but whatever. this is our forever home), we need tile in the bathrooms (carpet? seriously? this house was built in 1999!!), and now we seem to need to take care of a minor drainage issue in our backyard (post snow melting last week) and Coach also wants to add a pouring of concrete to finish out a patio area (he "tells" me that it's so we can put my future outdoor table and fire pit, I know it's so he can grill in comfort. but I digress). But these are all vanity things, well except for drainage, but it's not like we HAVE to do these things. Our carpet is fine and relatively new, the bathrooms are in good condition it's just annoying, and without the poured concrete we.will.survive. So why are we waiting?

Because I feel it's irresponsible of us to try and get pregnant right now. Partially because I really want those hardwoods, partially because I hate my job and the hours I work and I'm still not sure how that'll work with a baby and Coach's hours, partially because I just now got back to working on my PhD, and partially because we haven't been together a year now. So long ago when I was planning my life I'd always believed I'd wait like 3 years to have a kid after marriage. Guaranteed I always thought I'd be married by 23-24ish, I'd still be finishing my PhD now and not working full time, and I wouldn't be owning my own home by now. I figured 28 would be good. Now, if I wait to December to get this IUD removed I will consider that a success.

When I hold my friend babies I hurt for a child with Coach. I look at him and how he is around kids and my uterus aches. When people ask us when we're getting pregnant I smile and say in a while, but my ovaries throb. It doesn't help that the week after the wedding I found out I have fibroids and cysts and we may have trouble getting pregnant. And that after 3 years of no pain, no period, not a blip from my IUD--I'm now in constant and intense pain from the fibrosis and I'm spotting (which is beyond annoying, let me tell you). And somehow it feels like my body is trying its hardest to remind me that this is the only thing in my life I've ever wanted to be and that Coach wants it that much too. His response to this is always it's my body and my call, but that there's never a good time to get pregnant, but we'll make it work with whatever we've got. Both supportive and ambiguous at the same time.

I want to be a mom so much. I cry about it. How sad is that? It also doesn't help that I have baby dreams all the time, and they're so good it's depressing to wake up from them. And Coach always jokes when I say something about how we're genetically screwing our kids, he brings up babies as much as I do, and whenever I eat more than usual he rubs my belly and asks me how he's doing (well he uses the name we've already picked out for a boy) and if that's what ------ wants. How much of this is my baby fever or his? sheesh.

So I don't know. I keep telling myself to wait until December. And I probably will because it'll be here before I know it. But it's all so warm to think of, knowing that we've made a life together. That we get to hold him/her. That I get to see Coach's face in the delivery room when they hand him our first, second, .... baby. That's the thing I think of the most, the look on his face when he meets his first child. I want to see that more than anything.
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