Friday, December 31, 2010

2010

2010 has been so full of highs and lows even I'd forgotten about everything.  So here's a list of all this years happenings:
  1. We moved into our new house
  2. I went back to school to try and get my PhD at OSU
  3. I did the Big D Climb and got to see Preston smiling at the top
  4. I broke out the sewing machine and really taught myself how to sew
  5. Painted the baby's room and main rooms
  6. We got a new backyard patio and new floors
  7. We started trying to get pregnant
  8. My awesome friend Preston Haun died
  9. We got pregnant again, due in June with a little boy
  10. My little sister got married to a wonderful man
So needless to say, I've got a lot of things that I would love to go differently in 2011.  I also have a lot of things to look forward to.  I'm hoping for some of the following:
  1. A smooth rest of our pregnancy (accompanied by some weight gain would make my doctor happy)
  2. A smooth, natural delivery (yes, I plan to do it without drugs)
  3. A beautiful baby to hold and love
  4. Finishing the baby's nursery, decorating and crafting the heck out of it
  5. Spending more time with friends this year
  6. Learning to be a calmer, less stressed, and less controlling wife and person in general
  7. Starting and finishing my first quilt (I cut the squares yesterday! so nervous!)
  8. Continuing to hone my sewing skillz
  9. Spending lots of time with my sister and her husband before they embark on the next phase of their life: Army life!
  10. "Enjoying" more home improvements (fingers crossed for wallpaper removal! ugh!)
  11. Taking life one step at a time, and living with no regrets as the best person I can be
Just a small list, but I'm definately ready for a new year and a new "beginning". 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Wet Bag Tutorial

I think I'm going to need a slew of these..... I could probably do this in 20 minutes (this is the easiest Wet Bag tutorial I've found!).  Must get some of the inside stuff and try it out. :) yeahhhhhh buddy!

Baby sewing projects underway, check.  Do I have any idea what I'm doing? As usual, no.

Colleen

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Baby Diary: Weeks 14-16

These were the hardest to write of all of them.  But I feel like he would want to know eventually.  That we love him and that even though she's not here, my mom is looking out for him.  I love you little man, I want to hold you in my arms and protect you from all the bad things.  You are such a blessing.



Monday, December 27, 2010

We Got a Christmas Surprise

The Thursday before Christmas we went to the doctor (2 weeks late) and the baby is doing awesome.  I'm popping out of my clothes, I'm starting to look pregnant and not just fat, and I'm feeling less nauseous every day (finally).  The best part was, that she gave us a pre-Christmas glimpse of our little baby to releave some of the stress of the week previous and to see if we could get a good glimpse of the baby's bits.  And after a little while of squirming, the baby cooperated!
Onesie from Uh Oh Mama on Etsy
We're having a boy!! 

It's amazing how much bigger the baby gets every time. We kept seeing him cross and uncross his little legs and feet, move his arms, his cute little buns, see his developing facial features, and we got a few good looks at his "parts".  We get our official sonogram on our next appointment at 20 weeks (and double check the sex, so surprises please!) and I'll have the echo done sometime near then too to see if he's got his Daddy's heart condition (fingers crossed).  We are so excited that he's doing well and thriving despite my lack of any weight gain and all the stress of the past months.  He's just a super resilient kiddo already! We love you little man!!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Nesting?

Coach left early this morning to drive to Houston (4 hours!) to pick up a lot of our heirloom items from my mothers house after a mood killing debacle last night with my grandmother.  He'll be back in a few hours, but after a long sleep with my awesome new pregnancy body pillow (how did I go without this thing for so long?) I cleaned up much of the chaos from Christmas (dishes! laundry! and paper, oh my!), then went out to Ross and Target.  

Coach got us new sheets for our bed (having only one set is really annoying), but I... uh... wasn't a fan of the colors.  So I returned those at Ross and got some cute ones.  Then went over to Target where I snatched some great little storage boxes to organize some of his crap video game paraphernalia.  He now has a box with just the items for each game system (he has them all, from original Nintendo to PS2, including the SEGA's).  I've been wanting to get the whole TV system he had rigged up in the baby's room into our study for some time now, and so I moved everything but the TV (too heavy).  I slid my desk over, plopped my sewing machine on it after I did a huge clean through of my desk, and now I don't have to figure out where I'm going to sew something when I need to use it quickly, or when I've got a big project going I haven't just destroyed the kitchen table with sewing crap scraps.  

Right now, it's still a bit of a mess but once Coach gets home and has some time tomorrow to get the TV stand and TV in here, it'll look really good. Plus then we can get rid of the 13' TV we've had in here that you can't see anything on and replace it with the 32' one he has for the games.  An added bonus: one less thing to clean out of the baby's room whenever we start to order our furniture.

Now if only he would put his Calculus books back on the shelf and not have them all over the floor every day I'd really be happy.... one step at a time.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


Colleen

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, December 18, 2010

In Memory


Reverend Janet Green Gilmore Jarynowski

June 20, 1956 - December 18, 2010

I carry your heart in my heart. Find peace in the arms of who came before. We love you; thank you for being our mom and showing us how to be full of grace and love. You are beauty.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Update on My Mom

She's been going down hill the past few days as expected. she's been having really bad anxiety every time she wakes up but she won't take the medicine they've prescribed too help that.  Although she shouldn't have any liquids, she wants to drink water and ICEE's because they help her throat from her NG-tube.  So she drinks them and we suck them right back up with the suction machine and it is giving her a sense of control and normalcy about the whole thing.  We are now with her at all times because she wakes up in a panic and needs help, or she wants to say something to us.  It's very quiet in the house and although we are all ready for her to go peacefully today it has become very real that she will leave us soon.  Her tone of voice has changed and she wants to hold our hands all the time.  She gets most anxious at night, but she's calmed a bit today with her friend Carissa who seems to be the only one who can calm her down after she gets worked up.

It's horrible to say but I hope we'll be home for Christmas; some normalcy would be nice after all this.  She's so tiny and weak, such a fraction of the woman who raised us.  This is the worst way to die and I don't wish it on anyone.  There is something to say about sudden, unexpected death that eliminates the suffering of the dying.  But we are all here and she finds a lot of comfort in that.  I'm just ready for her to walk out of this body that has nothing left to give her, and walk into the arms of the Lord.  She's going to find such peace and love there. 

Cailtin has a feeling she'll go tomorrow as it would be an ironic symmetry to the whole thing, it would have been my fathers 55th birthday.  Thank you for all your prayers, messages, and kind thoughts. It's getting so close.  It's kind of all hitting us.  I cannot believe she'll be gone soon. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Anniversary Gifts

So for our anniversary I purchased and made small gifts that would be for the both of us.  I got a canvas print made of one of my favorite photos from our wedding, got a pring from YHL that said "I love you more" (which is an inside joke), and I photoshopped us a calendar to have in the kitchen.  They had a great free pdf download at YHL and it worked out wonderfully. Although there were a few months I had to really think about.  Here's a selection of my favorite ones:

And since your first anniversary is paper, they all worked out wonderfully. :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Old Photos

Mom and I, I have no idea how old I am but look at those cheeks. Yipes.
 We're driving down tomorrow.  This is all so surreal.  I feel like I miss her already.  Watching her go through this is the worst thing anyone could go through.  I found these photos and started going through some more I had in a box.  she was such a great mom.  What high standards I have to live up to. 

My mom and dad, before they even dated (he was probably still dating her roommate). March 1977

hospice

my mom is going into hospice today/tonight. We'll be driving down soon to spend this time with her.  we have about a week, maybe 2 if she continues her IV nutrition.  It is customary to stop it when going into hospice to not prolong the pain and suffering and we hope she stops it so she can go peacefully.  It's all a bit surreal but she's been in a lot of pain for a long time and we just want her to go quickly so she can finally be at peace. 
 
please just pray for her, that she finds peace and has an easy passing.  Thanks for everything y'all.


Colleen
 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Baby Diary, Week 13

Why HELLLOOOOOOOO Second Trimester!!!

I'm still tired, still feel sick sometimes, it's still hard to eat in the evenings, but overall I cannot believe this baby is still beating and growing and here!  What sweet relief!

Also, Saturday is our 1st anniversary and we're going to a wonderful restaurant and I'm very excited.  Also, Friday is my father in laws birthday and Sunday is Coach's.  What a busy but fun weekend!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Pregnancy & Food

So far, I have had very few cravings.  I'm still working on gaining back the weight I lost during my first trimester.  It's slowly but surely.  I'm still not feeling great but I'm able to do better than before. Any progress is good progress.  It's supposed to be uphill from here, so I keep hoping for truth in that. I haven't had to take a zofran in almost 5 days so that's pretty sweet.  But the lack of posting comes from the lack of anything exciting, which is a result of the lack of energy.  I work, get home, and lay on the couch until my 8pm bedtime.  exciting.
 
On a semi-related note, I got a salad to go today at a local place.  the guy next to me ordered an egg salad sandwich and paid $7.  dude, do you know how overpriced that is?  Do you know it would have taken you a minute to make that at your house in the morning?  A dozen eggs costs like 97c, loaf of bread is $1.50, dude.  seriously! People blow my mind. 
 
But now I'm craving egg salad.  So since Coach has a parent-teacher thing tonight for all the kids parents who made his soccer teams this week, guess I'll be boiling some eggs and enjoying a good ol' egg salad sandwich.  color me excited.
 
I watched Twilight Eclipse last night (never saw it in the theatre and my bluray arrived) and enjoyed it.  Not as much as the Harry Potter films, but hey.  One of Coach's assistants loaned me a series of books that I can't remember the title to, so maybe I'll delve into those before watching Glee. Needless to say, haven't gotten my promised "2nd trimester energy boost" yet, but fingers are crossed.  Belly bump gets bigger every day.  Maternity pants are so comfortable.  They have it going ON.

Colleen
 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Baby Diary, Week 12

Well we're here, the last week of my first trimester.  Little baby is doing well, this week baby's a little fatty and finally breaks the 1oz mark.  I go to the dr on the day my 15th week starts, so little baby should be quite larger than it's gummy bear sized last time.  Although I don't think we'll get a sono since we'll have a big one the next time to check for Coach's heart condition. 
 
I'm feeling better on the days I feel good, but just as crap on the bad days.  I'm hoping slowly but surely the bad days will stop or lessen.  I have so much to catch up on once I can function in the evenings.  For instance, the tree is still undecorated and needs, at the least, lights.  But I just haven't felt like it.  Tomorrow I've got Costco, Big Lots, a pedicure, and tree decorating on my list--here's hoping. 
 
Saturday my sister is having her Christmas party.  It includes lots of gingerbread house decorating, cider, eggnog, and holiday festivities.  I'm very excited. I just hope I can stay awake through it.  :) Coach thought he was getting a designated driver for 9 months but really he has to stay sober because I can't drive in the evenings or I fall asleep, it's that bad. My drive home in the afternoon is heavy eyelids and sometimes dangerous as I get close to home. sad, but true. 
 
Welcome to 13 weeks baby C, we love you so much!!!!  I am so freaking excited to see what you look like!  I even had a dream this week that you were a beautiful baby girl! You had blond (like your dad), curly (like your mom) hair, your daddy's blue eyes, and your momma's chin.  I woke up wishing I could meet you already.  Keep growing!!!


Colleen
 

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Responsibility

I am becoming increasingly irritated with people in general.  But mostly people who cannot take care of their own shit.  This happens both at work and in my personal life.  I just do NOT understand how hard it could be for a person to follow through on their word. If you can't do something, don't say you can.  It's not just our generation either, I work with so many people who cannot complete simple tasks.  SIMPLE.  An increasing number of things get dumped on me because they can't follow through, or I end up handling them because they don't know how to do it. If you cant do it, don't say you can! 
 
Which means I get the "control freak" persona assigned because rather than having to end up doing it in the end, I'd rather just ensure it gets done on time and correctly by doing it myself.  Because, in reality, it takes me less time to do it that way anyway.  I'm so tired of trying to explain how to do simple tasks to people who claim to be smarter than me or are higher ranked than me or people who bitch at me for taking over for their incompetence. 
 
On a semi-related note, I don't understand people who live paycheck to paycheck and then act panicked when something happens and then they have no money.  It's called a savings account, you are a grown-ass person and I'm not going to listen to your sob story.  All I hear is "because I over spend and made poor financial judgements and am now up shit creek I'm asking you to bail me out, since I know you don't do anything like that and are responsible.  Plus I can probably abuse your kindness".  Well guess what, the answer is NO.  I've got enough sob-story crap going on in my own life, don't dump your superficial lack of financial management on my lap.  You should have at least 3 times your monthly living expenses in savings, at least, so that when crap hits the fan you don't have to worry.  Stuff always happens at once people, when do you ever just have one inconvenient thing happen at a time!  Be responsible, take ownership for your actions (or, really, inaction), and don't complain to me when I won't hold your hand, pat your head, and wave my magic wand to make everything all better.
 
You are a grown - ass - person. Act like one.

Colleen
 

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Holiday

While quieter than usual, this Thanksgiving turned out pretty good.  Coach and I drove down Wednesday evening to Houston and were able to have dinner with my mom and stepdad and my grandmother before I totally passed out.  I wasn't even up when my sister and her (woah!) Husband got in much later.  We had to make a quick stop at the grocery store that night for yams, marshmallows, eggs, milk, breakfast, etc. that totally drained me and we had a "unique" experience at blockbuster trying to rent Robin Hood that had Bob (my stepdad) and myself laughing uncontrollably for about 30 minutes.  People are CRAZY. 
 
Thursday Bob and I ventured out to pick up our turkey and fixins from Whole Foods, mom wanted to buy it so there wasn't any stress even though I offered to cook it.  I'd forgotten green beans and cranberries (pregnancy brain) the night before, so we had a big box of tasty food to come back home with.  Caitlin and I cooked up the yams, stuffing, cranberries, and green beans and were able to finally get my mom's stuffing right since she was there to help us.  That woman is awful with giving you a recipe and then if you watch her make that exact same thing, she's got like 6 more ingredients and 5 more steps she forgot about.  So everything turned out great, my grandfather arrived in from Austin just in time for dinner, and we were all stuffed (I ate a lot!  Coach was very proud of me. I was thanking the zofran gods).  We had pie and commenced a multitude of football watching.
 
Friday we watched more football and finally put in Robin Hood, which surprised me as pretty awesome.  It's now on Coach's gift list.  I had some spotting in the afternoon and started absolutely bawling for about an hour and went and laid down for the rest of the evening.  Coach would sit with me on our bed, then Caitlin would bring me tea, and after a few hours of no more blood I was calm enough to take up my horizontal stance on the couch for the movie.  I don't know what the spotting was from, but at 12 weeks I was thoroughly freaked.  We left early the next morning so that if I had any more I would be around our hospital/doctor if need be.  Luckily everything is ok as far as I know and the dr said it could be anything, but it was probably from all the standing I did the day before cooking if I'm not used to that.  Since it was so little.
 
Either way I freaked and bought a Doppler for home just for my peace of mind.  With a dr's apt only once a month, that's a lot of freaking out in between.  It was $60 well spent and it should be here tomorrow. Plus I figure I'll lend it out to friends who are pregnant down the road and want to borrow it. Sixty dollars is well worth peace of mind to me.
Overall it was nice. We got our Christmas tree yesterday and I started slowly decorating. I haven't decided what our tree's colors will be other than red, so we'll see how that goes. I'm excited to put lights up outside the house too, never having been able to do that before. The wreath is hanging beautifully from our front door and I love all my little holiday touches around the house.  Not too much, but it's nice. I did and epic amount of cleaning before church and it's nice to not see a layer of dust on everything--I just hadn't had the energy to do it.  I guess I'm getting a bit back as I'm almost 13 weeks.  It's almost December!

Colleen
 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Baby Diary, Week 11

Hard to believe that tomorrow I will be 12 weeks.  I'm having a harder time believing that tomorrow is Thanksgiving though.  It's almost 80 here.  Definitely not fall weather.  We're all going down to Houston to be with my mom and stepdad.  Which means we're missing both Chilli Night (tonight) and Thanksgiving Day at Coach's parents--about 50 people each night.  It's a lot of fun and it's nice seeing everyone.  We were there last year and it's really a perfect example of how holidays should be--lots of family, lots of food, and a really nice time.  They do the same thing for Christmas.  I don't know what our plans are for that but I'm really hoping we can be home. 

I want to have a tree, open presents, have our house decorated for Christmas. I really want us to be home for this year.  Next year we'll have the baby and I want to spend this year with Coach.  At least in the morning.  In the afternoon I know we'll go to his parents for food, but I'd like to start our own little xmas morning thing this year.  I don't know why but I really want that.  it'll be our first year to decorate this house, both of our first year's to decorate the outside (lights!!!) of a house we've owned, and I'm just excited for that. 

But we'll see.  Mom's doing better, her tumors have disappeared to the best guess of the doctors so she's still doing chemo to send her as close to remission as they can.  We have no idea on time estimates, but the chance she's here for the baby's birth is a little better but it still feels like we're on borrowed time. 
I'm listening to my Glee playlist on Grooveshark.  It's really fun, and although there is nada going on at work right now it's spunky. Everyone have a nice Thanksgiving!


Colleen

Thursday, November 18, 2010

First Baby Purchase

and I know it's only downhill from here. But seriously, this thing is awesomely cute.
Bramble Toadstool Nightlight by White Rabbit England
I got it on Gilt for a great deal, especially considering it's a hand painted ceramic cutie!!  How adorable will this cascading light be when little Tigger (? I'm trying out uterine- nicknames) arrives.

Also, I'm kind of over this whole pregnancy at the moment.  I've been nauseous x10 this whole pregnancy.  Tonight, at my debut of 11 weeks where things should gradually get easier, I just spent 45 minutes hurling my brains out and then dry heaving my entire gastrointestinal tract into the toilet.  I have never been more convinced we need tile than when I'm trying to cool off on carpet in the bathroom.  I now have to sit through paper presentations in class while alternating between sipping Gatorade and chicken broth. 

I've also made it back down to the -10lbs point and my scale is mocking me.  I spent the last year trying to get down to this weight and I'm there when I need not be.  With the exception of my little bump (finally!), I feel like skelator.  I should be gaining!  I feel awful. I'm so over this whole experience right now. I just sat with my head on the toilet for like 10 minutes uncontrollably sobbing. I know I'll get over it, but I seriously am so tired of feeling like death 24 hours a day.  No, I feel like death got run over by a cement truck, then a piano got dropped on it, then someone took carbolic acid and poured it over death.  and tap danced on my soul. 

3 more weeks.... 3 more weeks.... this puking better not be a new re-occurring thing.  I'm thankful for this baby, I am. But seriously thinking about buying our future kiddo's. Sigh.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Baby Diary, Week 10


Tomorrow I will be 11 Weeks.  3 more weeks until I'm out of this trimester.  Coach is excited to spill the beans to all of creation, although he's already spilled to just about everyone anyway.  What a goob.  :)  This week we had our last "extra attention" OB visit, now we're on the regular people schedule.  Dr. Wiley took me off the Prometrium (Progesterone supplement) because I'm doing so well.  We heard the heartbeat on the doppler then we got an extra sonogram because it was Coach's first OB visit.  The baby is hugely different from the last time!  The last 2 sono's she's had to zoom in and search, this time baby was front and center.  We got to see his/her arms wiggle, legs were a bit curled up, and his/her arms were over the head in a cute little pose.  Next time we go in there will be even more features to see.  :) 

Coach is still undecided if we'll find out the sex.  It's his call, so unfortunately myself (and everyone else) is at his whim.  Right now I'm going with we're just not going to find out.  But when we have our big 18 week sono he could want to know.  *sigh*  But if we subscribe to his mom's theory on gender prediction, the fast heart rate (162bpm) indicates it's a boy (because with all 3 boys she had fast fetal heart rates, but according to heart rate prediction should mean it's a girl).  The Chinese gender chart says it's a girl.  My mother carried out front with both of us and everyone told her we'd be boys, so her theory is going to be tested once I start getting bigg-O.  It's kind of fun to guess.  We've got 2 names picked for each sex and we're going to wait to figure out which one to go with until we see the baby.  I think we might keep them to ourselves for now. 
Almost out of this trimester!!!! yippie!!!

Colleen


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Baby Diary, Week 9

I'm officially 10 weeks today according to my pregnancy tracker.  I had to say bye-bye to my uniforms today too, they are so uncomfortable. Roomy dresses are going to be the way to go through this inbetween phase I'm in.  I'm so excited to go back to the doctor Monday, I've been trying to not think that something could have happened in the 3 weeks since I was last there. I still feel like ass, so that would usually indicate I'm ok.

I have class tonight. let me just tell you that I have been a complete slacker this semester and am so behind in entering my articles, my research, and dedication to this whole thing.  Most of which is related to my extreme exhaustion.  Staying up until 10pm on a Thursday night just kills me.  Although I don't know if next semester's Monday night class is going to be much of a solution. ick.

I don't know if it's related or if it was just good luck, but colace seems to be my friend now.  it is such a relief in more than the obvious way. 

and add AWFUL leg cramps to my extensive list of symptoms.  I've had them, bad, for 4 hours now.  My toes and calf's particularly hurt so bad I don't know how I'm going to drive home. :(

Colleen

Thank a Vet.

WHAT IS A VET?

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a aged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together,a piece of shrapnel in the leg, or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can't tell a vet just by looking.

What is a vet?


  • He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.  
  • He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel. 
  • She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang. 
  • He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL.  
  • He is the Quantico drill instructor that has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.  
  • He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.  
  • He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by. 
  • He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep. 
  • He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.  
  • He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.  
  • He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".

 Remember November 11th is Veterans Day.

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, Who has given us freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, Who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier, Who salutes the flag,Who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, Who allows the protestor to burn the flag."

 Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Lt. Col., USMC

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

An Exercise in Stupidity

In several emails with one of our major vendors, this sassy little idiotta sent this awesome exchange back to us. We were ready to slap a bitch, she also needs to learn the "calendar" song, any kindergarten kid could teach it to her.  This is all reference to their sudden change in turn around time (1 day to 1 week, with no notice):
 

 

Us: Good morning Nikki.  Do you know how long there will be a one week turnaround time? 

Vendor: For a one week turn around time it will take…. One week.

Us: Perhaps you misunderstood the question.  Is the one week turnaround time permanent! 
 
Vendor: No, it should end around late January early November.
 
 
Colleen
 
 

It's Not All Butterflies and Rainbows People

The general consensus right now in our marriage is that me being pregnant sucks. I say that with a little smile and a giggle, but I definitely do not have sunshine raining out my ass about this pregnancy right now.  I'm down another few pounds, I'm miserable, and I sleep. A.LOT.  Caitlin (and shiny-new-husband) came over Sunday and we made curry puffs, which are tasty and can be one of the blander good foods out there--so I'm shoveling those down whenever I can (I'm lacking on the vegi's these days).  I'm just afraid for them to run out.  It was nice to have some sister time, watch How to Train Your Dragon, and enjoy some time as the newly married Gilmore Girls.  It's so cute seeing them with their new bling.
 
(insert gross burp that produces bile, gas, and nasty aftertaste)
 
I'm only a month away from the end of this helatious first trimester. I'm in the home stretch.... to hopefully feeling human again.  I honestly can't remember what it feels like to not feel like butt when I get home and become permanently implanted in the couch.  This pregnancy ain't no joke.  Somewhere underneath all this nausea is excitement.  But somewhere underneath that is a month's worth of poop that won't come out but in exhausting little bits. 
 
2 things I'm looking forward to already after this baby is born:
  1. sushi
  2. getting my regular 9:30am poop schedule back
I also just have to say, Saltines are not tasty. They are not bland. And they do not taste good.  Who can eat those cardboard asscrackers is a freak.  Ugh.  I do have to procure something as I'm now waking up for my 2:30am pee break hungry.  But I don't know if Cheetos's, cool ranch Doritos's, or club crackers are the best midnight snack.  Honestly, I cannot remember the last time I ate any of the above previous to this week but I'm dreaming of those Doritos's right now.  I also got a random craving for boiled crawfish (with the required corn and potato sides) yesterday on my drive home; color me disappointed we're still 5 months away from crawfish season.  At least we know this baby is a good little Cajun. :)
 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Letters to Baby Dear

I got the idea to write letters to the baby from a blog I enjoy.  I thought it was a cute idea. And since I know that, realistically, there is no way I'm going to scrapbook this whole thing or complete a whole baby book--this would be something nice I could one day print off and save for the baby to see.  Even my own mother managed to only fill out the first few pages of my baby book and she is wonder woman, so I know my chances are zilch.

Although, I did find this awesome baby book that I want courtesy of a link from Prudent Baby. Anywho, here are my letters. Dear baby....

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Rapidly Dwindling Diet

Here's what I've been able to squeeze down the hatch the last few days:
  • Pop Tarts
  • Chicken Nuggets (with french fries)
  • Red Gatorade (no other color)
  • Rice Krispie Treats
  • Cheerios (no milk)
  • Pears
  • Apples
  • Rolaids/Tums (they are now their own food group)
  • PB&J
  • Peanut Butter Toast
  • Peanut Butter Crackers
  • Sprite
  • Ginger ale
  • Hot Chocolate (water, not milk)
So basically, I'm eating the same foods as a 3 year old.  Aboslutely no cravings with this pregnancy yet (Coach is surprised, last time it was all about Strawberries and Ice Cream, coudln't get enough).  Got blood work back from the doctor. Everything is clear except my white blood cells were elevated, so they want to draw them again on Wednesday to make sure I don't have an infection. I think it's just allergies.  Also reminded that I'm A-pos blood type and that I won't have to take rogam--sweet.  They tested me for a whole slew of stuff (even my rubella markers, which I'm good for; also AIDS, which was an oogy factor more than anything).  But I'm not anemic (yay). 
 
Due to the excitement of the weekend I didn't get to bed at my usual bedtime (8pm), and have been having insane nausea.  The more sleep I get the better I feel, although even that is relative.  My nurse asked how I was feeling and I told her I was very nauseous, she told me to quit trying to tough it out and take the Zofran. They're worried about my weight-loss (about 4 pounds as of this morning), so I'm going to take it this afternoon so I can actually make dinner for the first time in 2 weeks. The evenings are the hardest.  I'm thinking pot-pie since it's smell in the microwave for leftovers is not toxic to the tummy. bland is good.   Well, Back to my chicken-nuggets. Gotta squeeze a few more down otherwise Coach will yell at me via text msg.  Gotta keep Poppy safe.
 
still can't believe this little parasite baby is happening.  Looking forward to when I start to show. Right now I just feel bloated but look totally normal.  Then comes the "she looks like she ate too many cookies" phase, then "maybe she's pregnant" phase, then "wabbo that is a baby" phase.  I have some cute maternity jeans I'm excited to try out.  :)
 
Colleen
 
 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Since I Kinda Dropped A Bomb

So I had no idea more than 3 people read my blog. Apparently there's a few of you lurkers out there (Beth, you Austin Ladies) and I've inadvertently created quite a few questions. So here's the ones I can answer comfortably:

We're very early along. Everything with this pregnancy has been extremely different than the last and all in good ways. A lot of it has to do with the care I'm receiving from my doctor.

I have had some minor problems but they put me on Prometrium (a Progesterone supplement) to help baby Poppy stick around. This won't prevent the fetus from aborting if there is something wrong with it, but it keeps my body from doing anything retarded.

I'm also on Zofran now for my nausea. It's been pretty gnarly but I've been trying to tough it out. Poppy is worth it is my mantra. I'm trying it today so I don't hurl on Caitlins wedding dress.

I've already seen the doctor and will go back almost weekly until I made it to about 14 weeks.

The babies heartbeat is precious. I was terrified we wouldn't hear anything but we did and that amazing woosh-woosh gave me such a relief I cannot even describe. Lucky for Caitlin because I practically squeezed her hand off during the ultrasound out of sheer panic and she'll need that hand to hold her little niece/nephew. And to be my birth coach, that's what sisters are for. :)

I found out I was pregnant the week we found out moms cancer was back. I got to work on Monday after being in the hospital all weekend and looked at what day it was and freaked out, and took a half dozen tests (might be exaggerating, but not by much) that night which all came up positive. God has a funny sense of humor.

It's been hard to keep quiet as I'm so visibly sick all day and I'm constantly putting my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from spewing like the Exorcist. I'm convinced people who wait until the 2nd trimester and say no one knew, obviously have very unobservant friends and family or they're jerks who don't have morning sickness (aka all day sickness). Everyone who sees me regularly has guessed and congratulated me. Me and the parasite baby are being prayed for a lot and I'll take every good thought there is.

Well I have to pee again and my super-thirst requires some more water. And I forgot my crackers so I've got to scrounge some of those before my stomach realizes there's nothing in it and starts rebelling.

Love you all!


Colleen, Coach, & Baby Poppy

Friday, October 22, 2010

This Weekend

So this weekend my little sister is getting married.  I feel so old.  I am so excited for her, you wouldn't believe. She's such an amazing lady and her man is great.  They are perfect for each other.  But I have to say, when they first started dating I had great fear this little Army Enlisted peon would hurt little Caitlin's heart.  he was just back from Iraq, and although they'd been friends for a long time I had my doubts. Big ones. Especially since he's closer to my age than hers.
 
MUST.PROTECT.LITTLE.SIBLING.
 
But then I met him. And saw the way they looked at each other. And they've been grossly happy every since.  He's finishing school this may and then she'll be an officers wife.  Continuing the Gilmore tradition of serving the military the best way we know how: by nagging our husbands so hardcore they enjoy going to war instead of being at home. I kid. I kid. 
 
I'm incredibly proud of the service he provides to our country.  The sacrifices he made during his deployments when he was so young, the lives he saw lost. I hope so sincerely that our children can grow up without the fear that we had--that we won't lose these great men and women to a war we can't even see fought, for an enemy who hates use beyond our comprehension.  I hope their children never know the loss Caitlin and I do. 
 
I know that when he does get deployed I will dress our children as we were always dressed growing up: constantly with a yellow ribbon in our hair, on our jacket, on our backpack. Always with a gold/silver bracelet that says "my ____ is serving our country".  I'm so honored to know someone so brave. 
 
I'm so happy he'll be a part of this crazy family we have.  That our children will call him their Uncle.  That we will spend all our vacation time visiting them in all their different locations, that this is how our children will get to see the world--just as we did.  And to my little sister: that you may always have the happiness you have found here in this wonderful marriage.  That your blessings abound.  May your life always be filled with the bloom of hope and love.
 
Sappy I know.  But to bring you back to center here is something completely unrelated: I look forward to the day when I finally can poop like a regular human being again.  This is ridiculous.  But worth it. :)
The End. :) 
 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Happy 26th

This year has been so hard and so joyful.  I don't even know where to go with everything because I don't really feel like celebrating because my mom is so sick.  So here's what's happened while I was 25 (in no particular order):
  1. I got married
  2. We went to Maui on our honeymoon
  3. We moved into our new house.  Where I'm never leaving.
  4. I did the Big-D Climb and saw Preston smiling at the top.
  5. We put new floors in the house and saved my allergies.
  6. My mom had her stomach removed
  7. We decided to try and have a baby.
  8. I had a miscarriage.
  9. My friend Preston died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.
  10. My mom's cancer came back.  She only has a few months.
  11. We're having a baby due in June
  12. I went back to my PhD, at a new program at Oklahoma State
  13. I got super crafty with the sewing machine and home improvements

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Carseat Rant

After helping to install a car seat that was HORRENDOUSLY installed today, I have to take a derailment from my Cancer blogging of late. 

Infant Car Seats
  • These should be rear facing people! You should not use one that is older, safety models have increased dramatically.  I would not recommend buying one from a garage sale or one used, once a car seat has been in an accident it should be discarded (much like a bike helmet) and you don't know what's happened to this seat. 
  • Buy a infant seat with the highest weight limit possible. My favorite for many reasons has a limit of 30 lbs, verses the very common 22lbs.  You want that baby rear facing in an infant seat AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.  If that child reaches a year old and they are still not at the weigh limit, keep them in that seat until they are! It's not 1 year old and 22 lbs, which ever happens FIRST--it's whatever happens LAST.
  • Please bring these seats to a licensed installer at least 3-4 weeks before your due date.  We will install it and show you how to reinstall it.  You do not want to go into labor early and not know how to install your seat.  This happens way too often.  Think ahead.
  • Hospitals will not send you home without a car seat, plan ahead. See bullet #3
  • If you are a two car family and will both be transporting baby, I'd recommend investing in a second "base" unit.  It makes it so much easier and you don't have to worry about if you've installed it right into 2 different cars. They're cheap ($60?)
Toddler Seats / Booster Seats
  • Your child should be in a rear facing booster until 2 years old at least, or until they hit that weight limit at rear facing (again, whatever happens LAST). 
  • When you buy these booster seats and it has "tether", make sure to look at how it tethers.  There is a very popular brand that tethers over the baby's head when the seat is rear facing. I'd say about 85% of people who bring these seats to us return them because they are impossible to install (just difficult) and the overhead tether makes it incredibly difficult to get the baby in and out. It's a huge design flaw. HUGE!
  • When you move that child to front facing, make sure to adjust the tilt mechanism accordingly.  Read that owners manual!
  • Please reference the LATCH section below. don't use the outside latch mechanisms to latch the seat in the middle, you're just compromised the safety of the seat.
LATCH Systems
Don't know what LATCH is? get in your back seat, feel between the seat cushions on the sides: you should feel metal hooks (if your car was manufactured after 2003).  These little hooks are (essentially) little secure devices bolted to your frame.  New car seats use these LATCH devices to make the car more secure.  They're required now in cars.  However, most cars still do not have LATCH in the center seat.  You CANNOT use the outside hooks on the window seats to latch a seat in the center, the distance is too wide and the seat is NOT secure (unless your vehicle's owners manual says you can, which is rare if ever).  You MUST use a seat-belt if you do not have center latch and want to put the car seat in the center.  This seat-belt must also have a locking mechanism (the thing that keeps you from flying forward when you stop quickly) in order to keep the seat in place.  Check your car's owners manual to find out if your vehicle has center latch.  There are many SUVs that you would assume have the LATCH system in the center, but do not.  Many cars as well. 

Basics
  • Read the owners manual for both the car seat AND the vehicle.  Please.  If you can't figure out how to install it, please call someone who does.  Double knotting the tethers to the headrest (no joke), wedging the seat between the front seat and the back seat (also not joking), using bungies (wish I was joking), etc are DANGEROUS TO YOUR CHILD.
  • You don't have to pay a lot for a good car seat. 
  • Keep your kiddo rear facing as long as humanly possible. 
  • If you do not have center latch in your vehicle, using the seat-belt is fine!  But do not try to jury rig the LATCH in the other seats to work on that center seat.
  • Once installed, the rule is, the seat cannot move more than 1 inch from side to side or front to back.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Feeling Kinda "Blah"

I'm so tired.  I kinda feel like Donnies face right here.  Trying to pep myself up. 

Coach got me a spin bike for an early birthday present and it's awesome. I pedaled away on it last night during Glee.  I'm trying to take care of myself during all this.  I might have a nice post around Wednesday/Thursday of next week. 

Monday, October 11, 2010

Always Listening for a Lesson of Truth

I was down in Houston over the weekend.  Mom is exhausted and worn out.  She had her stomach drained again on Friday and more chemo.  She has a blood transfusion today.  She even did the service on Sunday and it pushed her too far.  She needs to stop forcing herself to do this stuff, she can barely hold her head up and away as it is.  But it's her decision.  It's just hard to watch her when we know it's making her sicker.  But anyway, I'm not one of those people who ever reads the bible.  I know it, I've read it before obviously at some point, but I don't spout from it and if you ask me to recite a passage I'll laugh and tell you to pass the beer.  But the second reading yesterday kind of made me pay attention and I don't know why.
 
2 Timothy 2:8-15
8 Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, a descendant of David—that is my gospel, 9 for which I suffer hardship, even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But the word of God is not chained. 10 Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, so that they may also obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory. 11The saying is sure:
If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
12 if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he will also deny us;
13 if we are faithless, he remains faithful—
for he cannot deny himself.
14 Remind them of this, and warn them before God that they are to avoid wrangling over words, which does no good but only ruins those who are listening. 15 Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved by him, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly explaining the word of truth.

So I'm sorry to those who aren't into God, but I kind of liked that.  Watch what you say, speak kindly, live a good life, because if you speak harshly or gossip all you are doing is ruining those around you who dare to listen.  Kind of a nice lesson with all this bullying stuff in the media, eh?  So hey Christians, see what He writes: it is not your place to judge, to speak harshly, to deny anyone.  All you are doing is passing your hatred onto others.  Let God do the judging, since He is the only one who can. 

End of soapbox for the day,
Colleen
 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I am so TIRED

I'm so exhausted.  My mom is home and doing a little better.  She didn't get home until Tuesday because insurance got tied up in getting her TPN (liquid food) order set up through the home-health service.  She's still in some pain and is not sleeping as well as she probably needs to be. My grandparents are with her and I'll go down tomorrow to spend the weekend. I'm glad to go down, I want to spend time with her, but I'm also craving a whole day in bed with my full DVR.  Selfish.  Caitlin is going next weekend so I'll catch up on this filthy house then.  

Caitlin's wedding is going to be on the 23rd of this month because there is no way mom is going to make it to May 14.  It'll still be really nice.  We'll have a small reception at Sorento's, which is the amazing restaurant my mom and Bob had theirs at.  Best food in Houston, at least to me. 

I have so much going on and so much I don't feel comfortable putting here right now, maybe in a few more weeks when things are more solid.  Which kills me because I feel the need to talk about it here for the 2 people who read, but I am not comfortable with it yet at the same time.  So sorry... but keep checking back. 

UPDATE: mom just called. she's having her stomach drained again tomorrow and has to be at the hospital at 7:30.  Then she has chemo after that. So I drive down, then I'll just wait for her and my grandmother to return. I'm worried about her being with my grandmother during all that because she usually needs help and my grandmother is not super mobile either.  It's kind of worrying me.  Not to mention that my grandmother is A HORRIFIC driver and she's going to be driving around downtown Houston? If my mother doesn't kill her I'll be surprised.  What a mess... which I could have gotten down there today to take her to all these appointments.  I don't feel good about her being with my grandmother because she can't even get her out of a car or doesn't even know where anything is! I know, paranoid right?

Monday, October 4, 2010

God Has a Sick Sense of Humor

I didn't set this to publish until after our first appointment, but I wrote it just minutes after finding out we were pregnant.  Luckily everything seems ok!
See that little blue thing? Yeah... that would be a positive pregnancy test.  Insert shocked face.  Then as my heart started racing and my tears began running, I couldn't believe it.  That this would happen now.  So I of course peed on a more expensive one. 
Do I tell you? Do I tell my mom? Do I tell anyone?  Will I lose this little life too, this time because of stress?  Whirling thoughts.  Then it hits me: slow your heart-rate down, breathe.  God wouldn't give me this life without knowing I could do it.  Without knowing He was giving me a reason to see the joy in this awful time right now.  To force me to stay calm, to stay centered, to love my mother for the gifts she gave me and the memories I will give this life.  Peace....

Kindness

We left Houston around 3pm yesterday and made good time home.  I was glad to get the whole car ride with just Coach.  We haven't had very much time together since all this has happened, I'm so fucking irritated by football and the whole system he's forced to participate in right now.  I never see him and I need him so badly right now.

Anyway, mom was exhausted Friday and Saturday, but finally had a little energy (I mean very little, but at least more than the rest of our visit) Sunday.  Caitlin and her fiance left around 2.  I got to talk to my mom for the first time all weekend.  I was wanting to talk to her about how she is dealing with all this and hadn't gotten that chance with everyone there and her being so tired.  So even though it probably wasn't 5 minutes I felt much better seeing her talk to me and discuss all this insanity for the first time since we'd arrived.  She said she's not afraid of dying, she's afraid of leaving--she doesn't want to leave us.  It was probably the first time all weekend I couldn't hold the tears back and that just killed me. It feels so selfish to cry right now, it's not me having to go through such a horrible and painful event.  Not me having to say goodbye to everyone I love. 

My stepdad just broke down every night at dinner but you can tell he's holding it together in front of my mom and is the most convincing of all of us.  I feel so awful for him.  He'll be there all alone when she's gone.  I want him to come up and live near us where we can continue to be a family.  It's ironic how when you get the family you've always wanted it gets riped away, with such little warning. 

I feel like a heartless bitch watching everyone around me break down, but like I said before I just can't go down that road now.  She's my mom and she raised me to be tough and strong, and I feel like I need to help this family as much as I can now.  Not that I'm not devastated, not that I'm not so deeply scared and hurt, not that I'm not breaking down, but outwardly I am trying to remember everything good about my Mom--which, as she requested yesterday, is how we will do this. 

I feel like my soul is glazed over.  With my dad everything was so sudden, you were forced headlong into it without a wait.  I honestly do not know which is worse.  Experiencing both.... I want to be with her until the end.  I'm taking as much time off as I need, working remotely (work has been great), and spending weekends with her to make sure I don't regret a moment.  I have enough baby time saved up from before, and it's never a question of using that time now.  She's my mom.  I hate seeing her this way.  This is not how she wants to do this, in so much pain needing so much help.  But I'll be there to make it as painless, filled with love, as I can.  I know we all will.

But my stepdad said it best: This is SO FUCKED UP.

Friday, October 1, 2010

A True Partner

A True Partner

The thing I keep seeing is how thankful I am for Bob, my stepdad. They got married a month and a half before her initial diagnosis. They just celebrated their first wedding anniversary. Throughout this he has been full of support and love for my mother. Absolutely unwavering. His constant humor has brought my mom out of such pain, constantly.

He is about to lose his wife. They were supposed to grow old together. How do you live with losing your best friend, your partner in crime, your soul mate? Watch them battle, watch them go through this. They're in so much pain but he is so caring, so loving. How? How is this fair?

We're here and I realize I just posted but I think this writing is really cathartic. It's helping me center myself. Watching him come in, put his arm around her and her whole body lean into him--that she has that is beyond my greatest wish for her. I only hope that everyone in these horrible situations is lucky enough to have that.

Even if we know it's only a short time left--heads up, chests out, march on.


Colleen

Sent from my iPhone

New News is Good News? Or Something

Update on The Rev 10-1-2010

Since my first post we've found out a little more.  She has to go back on the TPN (nutrition she receives through a port) and it's too hard to administer chemotherapy through IV (especially since she's having it every day), so today she had a port put in and her abdomen drained again. She's having chemotherapy every day for 2 weeks, then 1 week off, repeat for 6 weeks (2 rounds)--this will shrink the polyp-like tumors on her peritoneal cavity that are creating all the fluid. Which will then reduce all the pain she is in from the fluid that the tumors produce. Giving her (hopefully) good quality of life for her last few months. We're exploring other options and will meet with doctors from MD Anderson (Which is right next to St Lukes) soon.  Stomach cancer metastasis are the worst there are so she has limited possibilities.  Medically, that's where we are at.

My sister and I just made it to Houston to see her, make some family decisions (both with her and with my Stepdad). The boys are driving down tomorrow morning. She started chemotherapy yesterday. She's exhausted and weak, but we're in her room while she is resting and I'm glad we are here. There's a lot going on but it's still unsure. We know she has about 6 months. Caitlin is moving her wedding up to next month-ish. She won't make it to may.

I'm still kind of in shock, but I'm dealing with so much trying to deal with Caitlin's sadness, both of our constant emotions and crisis management feelings that I don't think it'll hit me for a long time. I'm in crisis management mode, everyone is going to me for help and guidance. I have a few moments here and there to deal with my thoughts but I'm just getting things done. As usual. Plus, if I try to break that wall down there is too much behind it and I need to be strong for myself. I can't make this about what this will do to me, be selfish about it. No one asks for this. I really refuse to spend these last few months crying. It won't help, I need to remember the woman who raised me to be who I am, strong and hopeful and true, her death won't change that. Although I know it will change me forever.

We're going to stop trying to get pregnant. I'd lose the baby even if, by some miracle, I did conceive. Plus, my pumping isn't working right and hasn't been and the solution is hormones, so maybe this will give my body enough to heal itself. My children are going to miss out on a great lady. It kills me. But she'll be watching out for them too. I just have to have faith that this is the right choice. It seems like the only choice, I can't bring a child into this world when I'm hurting so deeply. It isn't fair, to anyone.

Honestly, i don't think I have even grieved for Preston yet and can't even begin to handle this. I'm the caretaker, the problem solver. And Jonathan can't get out of football even for this, which he hates and is so messed up about, but it means I don't even have him like I did last year when she got diagnosed.

I'm in her room now and she looks so small and ... The only word I can think of is defeated but that isn't quite right in the current sense. I don't know.

Thanks for the prayers, I'll probably just keep updating my blog with info. We might start a caringbridge but I duhno yet. Love you,

Colleen

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Well Fuck

My mom's cancer is back. She just had a clean scan a month ago.  Now she has tumors on her peritoneal cavity (stomach).  They drained 3L of fluid yesterday and will drain more friday.  She starts chemo PDQ, this time outpatient.  She's in a LOT of pain.  She sounded horrible when she just called me.  I don't think she has much time left from what she said.  The words "just enough to give me quality of life" were mentioned.

I might be posting, I might not.  I feel like I have so much to say and so little.  I was in the middle of a post about car seat safety and now it's so fucking dumb, not dumb but irrelevant now. 

My stepdad is looking up experimental surgery's.  MD Anderson is the best cancer hospital in the world and is right next to where she's had all her treatments; they were wonderful with Preston. I want her to go there, where she can get whatever she needs. 

She talked about coming up here, but how can she when she's in so much pain?  She just had her 1st wedding anniversary.  Through all this she's never been out of the hospital more than 2-3 weeks. 

We're going to lose our mom.  It feels like soon.  How do I fucking deal with that?  We'll be orphans.  She will only be 54.  My dad was 39.  Why so young?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This is Why it is Worth it

Remember this cutie? Yeah. Check out the same little chunk sleeping with his little deer. His dad just emailed me and I literally, out-loud, made the "awwwww" noise. I wanted to slap myself up the side of the head, but seriously how could you not?
say it with me, "awwww"
I have a bunch of thoughts I have jotted down but our big event is Saturday.  I'll try to get to it after this weekend when I can sleep soundly without waking up remembering crap I have to do. Worst.Feeling.Ever.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Drive-Through

I refuse to spell it Drive-Thru.  Eye Roll.  My sister and brother-in-law went through Arbys and had a hard time getting the speaker person to come on.  Then they hear “I’m sorry, can you repeat that for me. I was in the freezer.”

Huh? You were WHERE?

To which my brother-in-law replied with an awesome quote from Ratatouille "One CAN get TOO familiar with vegetables.”

I think my family is hilarious.  I also am so glad that my sister and I got through our 14 year hatred of each other and now she’s my best friend.  With everything going on with our family, our mom, and our own lives I’m always surprised when she calls me and starts venting and it’s the same thing I was just bitching about to Coach (or couldn’t even say out loud without getting that traditional Jewish guilt we’re so good at in our family).  Let me just say that holidays are difficult for us for a lot of reasons and we’re both pulled in a 100 different directions, and the only one we want to proceed with is having a family event where us and our hubby’s are there, and at my house (only 15 minute from their house), because we know that would be fun.  Instead, we have to make sure everyone else is satisfied and the “guilt-level” is manageable.  When can we have our own! Seriously! Coach and I still haven’t decided where we are spending the holidays.  If I had my way, I would relax at home, help Coach’s mom with the big Christmas-Eve thing they do, be low key and fun, start our own traditions, and have Caitlin and Lt (pronounced EL-tee-zey) over for some eggnog and bourbon. 

Then I remember that if I hadn’t lost the baby we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this as I’d be ready to explode over the holidays and wouldn’t be leaving a 40 mile radius of the hospital for any reason.  Except maybe cupcakes

I know Tiffy has issues with holidays and families.  I’m just tired of dealing with it. I just want to stay home. We’re both so tired; doing anything else is just annoying.  Really, it’s just laziness mostly. Anyone else?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mid-Year Resolution

I survived last week. I was supposed to flex Friday off but worked all day, then came in Saturday morning. This week I’ll work all day, every day, like a nut job to finish a project collimating in me being here all day Saturday. Then I go home and have a crap ton of people over because my sister’s turning 22. I feel old…. But it’s something to look forward to. Being positive, I’m trying.
 
I just want Saturday to be over. I just want a reprieve from work. I just want to breathe without stress. I just want to get pregnant this month. Likelihood any of this will happen is unknown, variables are undetermined. My basal body thermometer made the saddest noise this morning like it was telling me to just give up and go back to bed. Thanks piece of electronic crap, you’re right but I have to go to work.
 
I’m also trying to train for a 5K. Which is surprisingly kicking my ass. My legs are jello for the first time in I can’t remember when, which hopefully means I will lose a few more inches and my clothes will get comfortable again…. Here’s to wishful thinking. I’m also trying to fundraise for the big d climb (see the link at right), work with the vendor for shirts for the group, and generally get amped up. So far I’m just sleepy. I think I might also need to go back to see a therapist. There’s a lot of crap that’s happened this year and I’m kind of feeling it the last few weeks.
 
I’ve made a resolution with myself as well to actually put real clothes on when I get home in the evenings, instead of getting straight out of my uniform into sweats/work-out clothes. Hopefully it’ll help me pick my attitude up. Also, I figured it out last week that I really only wear real clothes 1 or maybe 2 days a week, and not even the entire day. Time to break out the jeans and cute t-shirts I own, this has gotten out of hand. Except for tonight when I go home to finish painting the chairs and table I started yesterday (finally lit a fire under my big butt on that one). I’ll post before and after’s on that one later this week. As usual, it took guests coming over next Saturday for me to finally paint the chair I sanded down 2-3 months ago. I still have to refinish my antique chairs…. But I was too lazy to get in the attic and pull them down, there was a limit to my energy apparently. But I did paint the last of the yellow molding in the living room, so now I have no excuse to not finish painting the 2 remaining walls. I am my own worst enemy.
 
So here’s a summary of my mid-year resolutions (yes I realize I’m 3 months late on the mid-year, but whatever):

  1.  Put real clothes on even when you’re just bumming around the house 
  2. Keep up with your cleaning schedule, it does make you feel better when you keep everything clean and it’s manageable 
  3. Do cut-ins on living room walls not already done, prepare for rolling
  4. Refinish/Repaint 2 remaining kitchen chairs, the 2 antique chairs, and finish rocking horse
  5. Find a therapist and do at least a few “check-up/sanity” sessions
  6. Keep training, lose 5 more pounds
  7. Stand up for whatever you decide to do for the holidays, do NOT feel guilty of whatever makes YOU happy

Monday, September 20, 2010

Control Freak

It’s not that I don’t trust people to do their job.  Or that I think they’re stupid. I just know that I can do it better, probably faster, and with much better results.  I also know how to spell, use a comma,  and speak in a professional tone…. at least on paper. I realize this makes me neurotic and a control freak.  To me, it also means I refuse to accept anything other than the best quality work from anyone—including myself.  It also usually takes me twice as long to fix someone else’s mistakes than to just do it myself.  I know, I am THAT person.  But I cannot stand when stuff gets sent out and it has errors, incorrect statements, or hasn’t been run through a basic spell check.  I don’t think those things are that difficult, why doesn’t everyone else?